Loser Guy Smakk
Since I have recently been accused of being a hater, I figured it was time to set the record straight. In fact I am not a hater, I just openly speak my opinions - which of course are always correct. And if you don’t agree with me, that’s your opinion and you can just go fuck yourself. True haters in my opinion fall into one of the 10 categories of Loser Guys. So let’s go through these – The 10 Types of Loser Guys:
1. Hater Guy – this is the guy that is usually mad at the world because everybody else gets all the breaks besides him. He thinks he’s just unlucky. Here’s the real truth dude. The reason I get the great girls, the cool friends, the good job, the nice place, the nice car, etc – I’m smarter, funnier and better looking than you. Maybe if you would get off your ass and do something about yourself instead of hating everyone else, you might someday get part of the good life also. But I doubt it.
2. Could’ve Been Guy – much like Hater Guy, this is the guy that also thinks he could be so much greater if he just got a couple more breaks. The difference here is that instead of hating on everyone else, he wallows in his on self-pity crying about what he could have become if only…whatever. The reason you’re fat and lazy is because you’re fat and lazy.
3. Suckerfish Guy – this is the guy that you let into your clique at first and then later discover all his loser qualities. Now he’s like a suckerfish latching on to whomever just to get back in. He’s also the guy that will “befriend” his ex just to still be around her. Dude, if you need something to suck – I suggest going back to your mom’s tit. Fuckin’ baby.
4. Obsessive Stalker Guy – this is the guy that just can’t get over his ex and will constantly makes any excuse to be in her life. Usually he will toggle in between being Hater Guy and Suckerfish Guy just for any scraps of attention he can get from her. Move on dude and find yourself a new victim.
5. Napoleon Complex Guy – usually applying to those with Short Man Syndrome, this can actually be any guy that has excessive attitude for whatever physical deficiency he processes. He’s usually the biggest talker in the group that can’t actually back anything up. I don’t care that you’re a dwarf, so what’s your problem with it.
6. Anonymous Guy – now Mr. Anonymous is always the biggest talker around because he is too much of a chicken shit to actually say who he is. (You’ll see these guys quite often in Smakk comments.) He’s usually the guy that will also be tough on the phone but never is actually seen face to face. If your going to hide your head in the ground while you talk shit, why don’t you just shove it up your ass and eat it too.
7. Born Again Guy – this is the guy that was once a normal, cool guy that has now become the fanatic about health, or religion, or whatever that has made him see all the errors in his former ways. I’ve got no problem with this until he starts trying to convert or pass judgment on others around him. So Buddy, just fack the buck up.
8. Whipped Guy – we also refer to this guy as Houdini, because the second that he finally lands a girl, he disappears from all his other friends. Usually his clingy behavior will eventually drive the girl away and he will transform right into Obsessive Stalker Guy. He’s also the one that will deny the strongest to all his friends that he is actually whipped.
9. Alligator Arms Guy – this is the guy that whenever the tab comes at the end of the night, all of a sudden his arms shrink to the size of an alligator and he can’t reach it. He’s the guy that’s consistently bitching about money but he’s always there to mooch off someone else. And if you get suckered into paying for this guy, he’ll also never acknowledge or thank you for it. If you can’t pay, don’t play.
10. Name Drop Guy – kind of like the Suckerfish Guy to the famous or popular, this is the fellow that will supposedly be “in” with the important people and will brag about his connections to get into your group. He’ll be the guy claiming to be close friends with the band when really he’s just a groupie begging for the opportunity to carry their guitars. He’ll also be the one that always has the hook-ups, but he can’t ever deliver. Dude, if we don’t like you, they don’t like you.

Pseudo Pharmaceutical Smakk
I find the use of Pseudo Pharmaceuticals has just become too rampant in today’s society. What are Pseudo Pharms you ask? Basically I consider these to be any drugs that someone uses because they need to label their emotional problems as a disease. For example – Depression. I find it a complete joke that you can be diagnosed, treated and given a prescription for being unhappy. Fuck people. Get out of the house, make some friends, get involved in something, get laid – whatever. It’s always the same story with these people who suffer from Depression. They use the “disease” as an excuse for the reason their life sucks. It’s not their fault that their guy/girl left them, or they can’t hold down a job, or they don’t have any friends, blah, blah, blah…
And the startling success of these Pseudo Pharms is just outstanding anyway. Let’s look at some of the shining success stories for antidepressants:

Jeff Weise, 17 – Prozac user
Shot to death grandfather and companion, then invaded Red Lake Reservation armed with two pistols and a shotgun, killing nine people and wounding seven before shooting himself to death.

Doug Williams, 48 – Celexa & Zoloft user
Walked out of an ethics and sensitivity training session at his factory one morning, returned moments later with a semiautomatic rifle and a shotgun, and opened fire, killing five co-workers before fatally shooting himself.

Andrea Yates, 36 – Effexor, Wellbutrin & Remeron user
Drowned her 5 children, between ages of 6 months and 7 years, in a bathtub. (I actually lived down the street from her when this happened – creepy.)

David Hawkins, 76 – Zoloft user
Took 5 Zoloft before proceeding to strangle to death his wife of 50 years.

So just suck it up, you fucking losers!!!

Top five drug addiction movies:
5. Basketball Diaries
4. Trainspotting
3. Rush
2. Drugstore Cowboy
1. Requiem for a Dream

Weak Ass Smakk
'nuff said

Wet Noodle Smakk
So I just had lunch with my favorite little rock star, and she dropped this bomb about one of her exes. Apparently he often had a problem…hmmm, shall we say - raising the flag in bed. Now I’m first to admit I’ve experienced the difficulty of ending the deal after a long night of hitting the bottle, but I’ve never had the problem of getting started.
I know this is something I shouldn’t laugh about (like that’s ever stopped me before) but from everything my friend has shared about her ex - this is probably karma anyway. So I guess what I am most curious about is this: what exactly do you fabulous ladies out there say to the guy that is unable to rise to the occasion? "Don't worry, babe. Really. No hard feelings."
Top five limp movies:
5. Sch-wing and A Miss
4. Flaccido Domingo
3. Ascension Deficit Disorder
2. The Null Monty
1. Disappointing Miss Daisy

Random Drunk Smakk
So I was reading the escapades of one of Smakk’s new favorite people, Lindsey, and it got me thinking about some of my favorite random drunk moments. These are those moments that have little chance of occurring during sobriety but leave those endearing and lasting memories. (Not that I remember all of these but I have seen documented proof.) Please note that these are not listed in order of importance or level of inebriation. So here's a random 20 drunk highlights over the past year – and yes, I know I’m forgetting many:
1. Almost strangling self by getting seat belt wrapped around neck
2. Serenading the Violent Femmes to a giant gnat
3. Peeing in sock drawer and blaming girlfriend’s dog
4. Always calling every waitress or bartender Stacy (still ongoing)
5. Singing “She Fucking Hates Me” on top of bar table while not realizing girlfriend has returned back to bar after leaving me there for “meeting” new girls
6. Introducing self as “Okra” and telling people I’m fried
7. Making wrong turn out of bathroom and getting trapped in unlocked laundry room
8. Standing on top of van roof at Taco Bell wearing matching baby blue cut off shirt and head band while singing “Take My Breath Away”
9. Ripping open shirt so hard that all buttons fly across restaurant towards “Mullet Man”
10. Dropping piece of cake on some man’s head while stumbling back to table with three (then two) pieces from buffet
11. HOOBASTANK!!
12. Waking up with “R” shaved in chest
13. Falling out of horse drawn carriage in middle of 6th Street in Austin
14. Getting pushed around Wal-Mart in wheelchair while wearing giant afro and carrying 25 boxes of condoms
15. Asking directions on how to get to “Big Red Bird” from random people inside Walgreens
16. Walking down street in Deep Ellum carrying stolen bar table with my drink still on top of it and inviting people to come join me
17. Buying a boat after St Patty’s Day parade
18. Coining the phrases “Fack the Buck Up” and ‘Every Damn Straight”
19. Waving hi to Mom who was in town for Christmas as I walk in my place at 5am wearing eye mascara and barrettes in my short & curlies
20. White boy shuffle

Top five movies I currently like watching while very drunk:
5. Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
4. Napoleon Dynamite
3. Anchorman
2. Dazed and Confused
1. Dude, Where’s My Car?

Anchorman Smakk
My friends and I have become totally obsessed with quoting lines from Anchorman. (Yes, it has replaced Napoleon Dynamite as my favorite movie to quote.) This Will Ferrell movie has so many great lines. Plus they are lines that you can use in your everyday situations. Let me throw out some suggestions:
Your boss tells you to do something – use “You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.”
The girl at the drive thru gives you the wrong order – use “I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker.”
To butt into someone else’s argument – use “LOUD NOISES!”
To show your vast knowledge in any subject – use “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it (insert subject), which of course in German means a whale's vagina.”
After you dim the lights and put Barry White – use “Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady.”
You have a drunken fight with girlfriend – use “You are a smelly pirate hooker!” (though this one may lead to receiving a break-up email song)
If your drunk leaning against a light pole when the police officer walks up to you – use “I love lamp.”
Anyway, the list goes on and on. And if you doubt me, why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Top five Will Ferrell movies:
5. Night at the Roxbury
4. Zoolander
3. Elf
2. Anchorman
1. Old School

Single Smakk
So it looks like the Human Hairbrush and me are history and I’m back to fulltime bunny hunting – no more covert operations necessary. She ended it with me this morning by this email. This is the actual email. No joke. Awesome stuff, just awesome.

This is going to hurt but

Here's the thing we started off friends
It was cool when you wore depends
Yeah yeah
Since I left Ron

You celebrated, partied all the time
Wasn't long till I called Gourmet Pizza's line
Yeah Yeah
Since I left Ron

And all you'd ever hear me say
How bad my hangovers are with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can pee clear for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I getWhat I want
Since I left Ron

How can I put it? you tossed me up
I even took care of your plastic cups
Yeah yeah
Since I left Ron

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be sweet to you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can pee clear for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get I get what I want
Since I left Ron

You had your chance twice you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth
I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you've been gone
I can pee clear for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)

Now I get
I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
Im so movin on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know)
That I get I get what I want
Since I left Ron
Since I left Ron
Since I left Ron

Lost Smakk
So I’m still in cloud of haze from my Phoenix adventures this weekend so this will be a short post. (Keyboard just won’t stay in focus.) I don’t really remember everything, but I can tell it was a good weekend since my car windshield is smashed and I lost a few items like my Am Ex card, one shoe, girlfriend, etc… Man, I am really going to miss that shoe. I also think not eating anything but those 26 beers yesterday may not have been the best idea. At least the entire American West flight crew will remember me.
Top five airplane movies:
5. Airport
4. Air Force One
3. Die Hard 2
2. Top Gun
1. Airplane