Cockblocker Smakk - Part Deux
And the fine art conitues....
http://mm.dfilm.com/mm2s/mm_route.php?id=2262865

Cockblocker Smakk
White Gurl has directed a short film to explain the "art of cockblocking". This can also be seen live tonight at Sherlocks starring CaptSmakk & Joebagofdonuts. Please bring your own popcorn. Part 1 as follows: http://mm.dfilm.com/mm2s/mm_route.php?id=2262868

Top five movies about movies:
5. LA Story
4. State and Main
3. The Big Picture
2. The Muse
1. The Player

Save Toby Smakk
Quick post per request of Troop Entertainer. Check out - www.savetoby.com. If ever there was a charitable organization that was Smakk approved, this would be one.
Top five rabbit movies:
5. 8 Mile (B-Rabbit)
4. Fatal Attraction (rabbit boiling in pot)
3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (killer rabbit)
2. Donnie Darko (giant invisible rabbit)
1. Harvey (nicer giant invisible rabbit)

More Sober Smakk
Yes, my soberness has now continued into Day 4. Any minute now I am expecting fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, rivers and seas boiling, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… I at least didn’t feel completely useless, like during my first job when I was the PA Announcer at the School for the Deaf. But last night did reach uncharted heights as I actually ordered soda water with lime while out. Yes, I do feel so dirty for this deceptive betrayal to the alcohol gods. But while sitting there at the table for a couple hours drinking soda I noticed some things were similar, some different.
Same – meeting new people
Different – remembering there names the next day
Same – getting up to use restroom
Different – not getting up to use restroom 11 times
Same - standing up from table
Different - not standing up on table
Same - noticing attractive girls
Different – not noticing as many attractive girls
Same – paying for my tab
Different – paying for a tab without accessing my retirement fund
Same – cockblocking
Different – well, this one stayed the same
Same – waking up with cutie next to me in morning
Different – she was actually cute
Same – had a snack before going to sleep
Different – it wasn’t 16 items from the taco bell value menu
Same – woke up next morning
Different – woke up next morning without buzz (sniff, sniff…)

Top five movies about amnesia (wait what was I talking about):
5. Resident Evil
4. The Majestic
3. Dead Again
2. Overboard
1. Mullholland Drive

Sober Smakk
So I haven’t had any drinks since Saturday and it’s freaking me out. Is TV always this boring? How come my ceiling won’t rotate anymore? Where are my little penguin friends that sing to me before I go to sleep? Crazy…
Take last night. Went and saw “Hitch” for Valentine’s Day. Didn’t sneak in a flask, didn’t go for drinks before or afterwards, didn’t have a nightcap before bed, didn’t make 13 drunk dials and pass out with the phone in my hand. Just doesn’t feel right. Plus, what about my responsibility to those other people that depend on my drinking? There are the 37 bars within 3 miles of my place, State Street Bottle Shop, Yellow Cab, The Buckle (I like to buy my jeans with a buzz), IHOP, etc. How does my sobriety affect them? And why am I thinking so much? Where’s my numbing haze? Why is it so easy to walk down my stairs? Did my car always work at night? Is Teletubbies a kid’s show? Do you all really look like that? Too many questions, too much thinking, too much sobriety….
Top five movies that are questions
5. What About Bob?
4. They Call Me Bruce?
3. What’s Up, Tiger Lilly?
2. O Brother, Where Art Thou?
1. Dude, Where’s My Car?

Valentine’s Day Smakk
What exactly is Valentine’s Day? We all know it’s actually a Hallmark promoted holiday highly supported by the candy and flowers industry. A day to by overpriced gifts, eat over priced dinner or for the same price (and guaranteed happy ending), buy an overpriced escort. But what is the actual history of St. Valentine. One of the more common legends contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men - his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Also while in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl - who may have been his jailor's daughter - who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed “From your Valentine”.
Now truly, Valentine’s Day is really just a way to exert a huge amount of pressure on the guy in the relationship to come up with some romantic idea/ gift. Now with my current relationship status of non-existent, I feel I owe it to all my brethren out there to provide suggestions of V-Day gifts. So below is the Top 5 Smakk Valentine’s Day Gifts (with accompanying poem for gift card):
5. Bikini Boot Camp Workout Membership – “I hope you know I am your true fellow, even though you jiggle like a big bowl of jello. So here’s my gift of love I’m giving to you, to help your ass fit in one seat rather than two.”
4. Cooking Lessons – “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you know, but whenever I eat your cooking it makes me want to blow.”
3. Divorce – “Kiss my ass and grab all your stuff, now get out of my house cause I’ve had enough.”
2. Original Poem – “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.” (Smakk classic)
1. Dildo – “To satisfy you I thought this might do the trick, because I wouldn’t fuck you - even with Lane’s dick.”

Top five “Love” movies:
5. Can’t Buy Me Love
4. From Russia with Love
3. To Sir, With Love
2. Dr. Strangelove
1. Shakespeare in Love