Dilated Smakk
So I had the yearly trip to the eye quack today and I just can't stand the whole dilate the eyes thing. First off the second you leave the office is like complete snow blindness, where I'm feeling around to find my car like Ray Charles after he's been hitting the pipe. But the worst part about it is you can't see anything in focus up close. So of course my cell phone starts ringing every second but I won't answer because I can't read the damn caller id. At least I got to catch up with 5-6 people I haven't spoken to in a while, because I couldn't tell which name I was hitting while calling the preprogrammed numbers. But that's not close to the worst problem. You see I take great value in my time on the porcelain throne each evening when I get home. But without getting a little reading in, it's just become a bfc (body function chore). Good thing I started drinking right away, so that everything became blurred and I get back to functioning normal. But I'll never get that reading moment back...sadly, it's lost forever. sniff...

Top five crappy movies that were huge financial flops but I still liked:
5. Band of the Hand
4. Waterworld
3. Howard the Duck
2. The Postman
1. Ishtar

A rose by any other name is still not as sweet,
As an evening shat with a good read to complete.
Sir Capt de la Smakk - 2003

Sucked Smakk
I have nothing tonight, n-o-t-h-i-n-g. This post is guaranteed to suck. Yes, I know it's hard to believe - but this post will suck. Not suck as much as a skank in the locker room, but suck it will. Maybe not quite as much as a vacuum cleaner shoved up a cow's rectum, but that's a better question for Dr.E. It won't suck like like say....yo mamma. But it will suck. Suck, suck, suck, suck...aflac. Oh nevermind.
Anyway, top five vampire movies:
5. Interview with a Vampire
4. Once Bitten
3. Love at First Bite
2. Fright Night
1. Lost Boys

I warned you it would suck. I'm going to get you sucker, you dirty mother f...Watch yo mouth!

Love Shack Smakk
So now we have taken over Saddam's love shack in Iraq. Apparently his pad was so 60's retro with the whole mirror ceilings, women shaped lamps and fantasy paintings that all the marines kept doing Austin Powers impersonations. Shagadelic Baby!! I just find it so special they we are now getting to know the man behind the mustache, the person behind the torture chambers, the mind beneath the fedora, the dam behind the sad...
Think of all the other possible secrets that could be uncovered. We could uncover Saddam's true desire not to be an evil dictator but to follow his childhood dream of becoming the Mascot for the Texas Tech Red Raiders. Or revealing his secret hobby of creating toupees for hair challenged camels. Or his love of singing karaoke to the greatest hits of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Yes, soon we will get to know the true Saddam - still vicious, still insane, still an ass, but now also a special little perv. So in honor of this news,
Top five movies about reporters:
5. The Paper
4. The Mean Season
3. All the President's Men
2. Broadcast News
1. Absence of Malice

That's right, Saddam baby - it's time to shag.

Perspective Smakk
I think having perspective is what really makes life interesting and unique. Just think about - for Iraqis, not getting tortured or having your home blow up could be a good day. For the french, not having to bathe for another week is a plus. For Travis Tritt, not waking up next to a Nascar driving bedmite with thumps (that's what we call the bumbs on your hands left after your thumbs have been cut off - please reference gfive). For me a good moment is when the last minute finally arrives on the damn treadmill after staring at it for a half hour. For DrE, it could be the cradling of a lifeless calf held so dear in his arms. Perspective can even follow age. For a old fart, a successful trip to bathroom without breaking a hip could be a success. For someone my age, the pleasure could be never having to wake up again beside that nasty skoob (skank's breast). And for the high school kid, it could just be having some freedom to shake you groove thing.
Top five party because your parents are out of town films:
5. House Party
4. Sixteen Candles
3. Can't Hardly Wait
2. Wierd Science
1. Risky Business

Say what the fuck...If you can't say it, you can't do it