Loser Guy Smakk
Since I have recently been accused of being a hater, I figured it was time to set the record straight. In fact I am not a hater, I just openly speak my opinions - which of course are always correct. And if you don’t agree with me, that’s your opinion and you can just go fuck yourself. True haters in my opinion fall into one of the 10 categories of Loser Guys. So let’s go through these – The 10 Types of Loser Guys:
1. Hater Guy – this is the guy that is usually mad at the world because everybody else gets all the breaks besides him. He thinks he’s just unlucky. Here’s the real truth dude. The reason I get the great girls, the cool friends, the good job, the nice place, the nice car, etc – I’m smarter, funnier and better looking than you. Maybe if you would get off your ass and do something about yourself instead of hating everyone else, you might someday get part of the good life also. But I doubt it.
2. Could’ve Been Guy – much like Hater Guy, this is the guy that also thinks he could be so much greater if he just got a couple more breaks. The difference here is that instead of hating on everyone else, he wallows in his on self-pity crying about what he could have become if only…whatever. The reason you’re fat and lazy is because you’re fat and lazy.
3. Suckerfish Guy – this is the guy that you let into your clique at first and then later discover all his loser qualities. Now he’s like a suckerfish latching on to whomever just to get back in. He’s also the guy that will “befriend” his ex just to still be around her. Dude, if you need something to suck – I suggest going back to your mom’s tit. Fuckin’ baby.
4. Obsessive Stalker Guy – this is the guy that just can’t get over his ex and will constantly makes any excuse to be in her life. Usually he will toggle in between being Hater Guy and Suckerfish Guy just for any scraps of attention he can get from her. Move on dude and find yourself a new victim.
5. Napoleon Complex Guy – usually applying to those with Short Man Syndrome, this can actually be any guy that has excessive attitude for whatever physical deficiency he processes. He’s usually the biggest talker in the group that can’t actually back anything up. I don’t care that you’re a dwarf, so what’s your problem with it.
6. Anonymous Guy – now Mr. Anonymous is always the biggest talker around because he is too much of a chicken shit to actually say who he is. (You’ll see these guys quite often in Smakk comments.) He’s usually the guy that will also be tough on the phone but never is actually seen face to face. If your going to hide your head in the ground while you talk shit, why don’t you just shove it up your ass and eat it too.
7. Born Again Guy – this is the guy that was once a normal, cool guy that has now become the fanatic about health, or religion, or whatever that has made him see all the errors in his former ways. I’ve got no problem with this until he starts trying to convert or pass judgment on others around him. So Buddy, just fack the buck up.
8. Whipped Guy – we also refer to this guy as Houdini, because the second that he finally lands a girl, he disappears from all his other friends. Usually his clingy behavior will eventually drive the girl away and he will transform right into Obsessive Stalker Guy. He’s also the one that will deny the strongest to all his friends that he is actually whipped.
9. Alligator Arms Guy – this is the guy that whenever the tab comes at the end of the night, all of a sudden his arms shrink to the size of an alligator and he can’t reach it. He’s the guy that’s consistently bitching about money but he’s always there to mooch off someone else. And if you get suckered into paying for this guy, he’ll also never acknowledge or thank you for it. If you can’t pay, don’t play.
10. Name Drop Guy – kind of like the Suckerfish Guy to the famous or popular, this is the fellow that will supposedly be “in” with the important people and will brag about his connections to get into your group. He’ll be the guy claiming to be close friends with the band when really he’s just a groupie begging for the opportunity to carry their guitars. He’ll also be the one that always has the hook-ups, but he can’t ever deliver. Dude, if we don’t like you, they don’t like you.