Stolen Smakk
For some reason, I once had this uncontrollable urge to turn clepto when in my intoxicated stage. Luckily this stage has mostly passed. So, top 10 things I have stolen in a drunken stupor:
10. Jim Bean toothpick holder – stuck in ex’s purse while at Café Tutu Tango in Atlanta
9. Lane’s girls – ah, the fine art of cockblocking
8. “McRibs are Back” banner – McDonald’s McRibs…mmmmmm….
7. Pabst Blue Ribbon beer mirror – had to put under my shirt and walk out of Double Dave’s in Austin with friends right in front and behind me because mirror was wider than me
6. Rack of hamburger buns – we ate everything on buns that week - so thank you again McDonalds
5. Bar table – snagged from some bar in Deep Ellum with my drink still on it; the best part here was that I sat it down in an empty parking lot and starting inviting random girls walking by to join me
4. Five Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches – now I know this would not seem a great feat on the surface, so here’s the story. I stole these from some girls’ room at the Hilton on Padre Island during spring break. These girls complained to the hotel manager about our rowdiness the night before. It’s freakin’ spring break!! So with their own sandwiches, my two accomplices and I waited at the end of the hallway until they came out of their room. Once they poked the plastic shorts covered asses out, we proceeded to launch the PB&J’s at them with out handy water balloon launcher. So if you ever visit the 7th floor of the Hilton, please stop by and take a gander at the sandwich fossil embedded in the wall.
3. Black belt karate outfit – really don’t remember how I got this, just woke up wearing it one morning
2. Al the Butcher – walked out of HEB grocery store with life size Al cut out in between me and friend like he was walking with us; check out girls were just cracking up at us
1. Tombstone – yes, I know I will really go to hell for this one. Stole a 100+yr old tombstone with initials F.R.E. on it from a cemetery at the Univ of North Texas during the Fry Street Festival. But it looked great in the flower bed outside my front door.
Top five bank robbery movies:
5. Stir Crazy
4. The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)
3. Heat
2. Dog Day Afternoon
1. Bonnie & Clyde

Just Friends Smakk
Is it really possible to be friends with some one that you dated for an extended period of time after you break up? I’ve never really pulled this off successfully. Has anyone?

Invisible Smakk



Top five invisible movies:
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.

420 Smakk
Was just reminded that today is 4-20. I must really be getting old. So crank up the Dead, have a free Ben & Jerry’s scoop, and enjoy…
Top five movies that have clocks set at 4:20
5. Jackie Brown
4. Kill Bill
3. Lost in Translation
2. Pulp Fiction
1. Reservoir Dogs

Blackjack Smakk
So I am seriously considering becoming a professional blackjack player. I was at the tables in Shreveport last night for about 4 hours. Started out almost $800 down in first half hour, then rallied back to win over $5000 by end of night. So in my last 3 trips over the past month, I’m about $12,000 up. This has taken about 12 hours of table play. $1000/hr - not a bad gig. Plus I get free drinks while at the table. I can’t even calculate the math to add up the amount of those savings. My only concern is if I started playing as a main source of income, will it feel like a job and lose its flavor? Right now it’s more like a hobby with great benefits. But what a great line to tell the bunnies - “So, what do you do for a living?” “Professional gambler.”
Well, I’m hitting the Pechango Casino in Temecula, CA this Sunday night, and then I’ll be on the strip in Vegas by mid-week. So we’ll see how the streak keeps going.
Oh – and don’t read this and run out to your local casino looking to make some quick money. The house always has the advantage. I just win because I’m smarter, better and all I do is make money!!!
Top five movies with Jack Black:
5. Saving Silverman
4. School of Rock
3. Orange County
2. Anchorman
1. High Fidelity
And I know, singlenbigd, I still have not seen Bongwater.

Dog Smakk
There’s currently an on-going debate in Smakk World about whether or not I should get a dog. Obviously most are questioning whether this is a responsibility I can handle with my extremely active and non-sober way of life. Example concerns are like leaving the pup for days at a time as I’m on a bender, or not letting him out because I’m too “lop sop doy” to stand myself, or confusing him for a giant candle and light his tail, etc, etc…
But I think a better way to look at this would be to consider all the positive options this little fellow could bring for me. Some examples:
Wouldn’t have to clean puke off floor since he could just eat it
If I go blind from alcohol poisoning, he could be my seeing-eye dog
I can blame the dog if I pee on anything outside the bathroom
Portable garbage disposal
If I get pulled over in car, just switch seats and let the dog take the fall
Teach him to growl at ugly women for when I’m beer goggling

Top five dogs in movies:
5. Tramp in Lady and The Tramp
4. Cujo in Cujo
3. Baxter in Anchorman
2. Pot-smoking dog (Bowser?) in Dude, Where’s My Car
1. Hosehead in Strange Brew

Deadwood Smakk
Deadwood Fucks…what a wonderful drinking game opportunity.

Time Waster Smakk
To waste more time at work - Notepad Invaders. Scored 14,820 first try. Thanks bryk.

Napoleon Smakk
Let’s just say that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day…
Which Napoleon Dynamite Character are you?

Six Flags Smakk
So after a long Saturday night of beer and shots (Surfer On Acid is a new fave) at Sherlocks, I have the great idea that we spend Sunday at Six Flags Amusement Park. So here’s the recap on the day:
9:18am - wake up on floor at Impregnator’s; room is spinning but in a good way
9:22am – try to kick Human Hairbrush off couch and steal blanket; surprisingly strong; give up, hit shower
9:53 am – eat microwave sausage biscuit and breakfast burrito
10:01am – play joke on Impreginator; (results should follow in few days)
10:20am – rest of crew arrives; find out Six Flags does not serve alcohol; sob quietly in corner
10:36am – stop at QT, purchase and slam low-carb Rooster Cooter energy drink
11:00am – enter Six Flags; still have good buzz from Sat night
11:15am – Ride Titan roller coaster; buzz fading slightly
11:37am – win tweety bird; make inappropriate gestures and frighten near by children and adults
11:43am – Get shot 325 ft into air on Superman ride; successfully don’t wet myself since still dehydrated from previous night
12:10pm – Ride Shockwave with 2 back-to-back vertical loops; seems to be getting much warmer outside, sweat forming on forehead
12:41pm – Get dropped 10 stories straight down on Wildcatter; see penny floating above knee, not sure if hallucination; balance seems to be failing
12:49pm – visit restroom to pee
12:51pm – visit restroom again; false alarm
1:08pm – Go thru multiple corkscrews on Batman ride; completely flop sweating now; breakfast not seeming best idea; Impregnator starting to get pale
1:29pm – get launched on Mr. Freeze ride; slightly black-out during backwards loops; no color left in my face or Impreginator’s
1:50pm – take deep breaths and dream of cold places as others eat nachos in food court; Impregnator is balled up in fetal position; I start clicking my heels together to try and transport back home
2:20pm – buy frozen watermelon ice and leave park; stagger back to car
3:30pm – successfully make it back to couch; lay motionless for 4 hours
7:30pm – eat Freebirds Burrito and start drinking the captain
7:31pm – All is good in the world again

Top five super hero movies:
5. Conan the Barbarian
4. Batman (only 1)
3. Superman (only 1)
2. X-Men (1& 2)
1. Spiderman (1 & 2)