Anteon Smakk
I'm going through my wallet tonight to put in a new condom since the one in there now has completely petrified from old age. So I don't really have a condom in my wallet but checking my lotto ticket did not seem as exciting. Plus have you ever really seen the guys with the wallet ring from carrying a condom forever. I think I was in that group in high school. But I can say DrE was not - because I remember him not getting any at prom because of the lack of protection. I myself did not get any because I was passed out face first in an ice bucket - but I did have protection ready. Now what the hell was I talking about...
Yeah my wallet. So I'm pulling the ticket from my wallet and out falls a scrap of paper with the word "Anteon" carefully printed. What the hell is that and how'd it get in my wallet? I thought maybe I was a little toasted and got a chick with a weird name's digits (I'm so Arsenio), but there's nothing on it but just "Anteon". It's freakin' me out man. So I google "Anteon" and find it some defense department contractor outside DC. What the hell is this about? Is this one war propaganda movement to hit one wallet at a time? Yeah I'm kinda joking around here, but I really don't know where this piece of paper came from. I am not Scooby Doo - I don't need a mystery. Though a piece of Velma would be nice. So I implore all 3 or 4 of my dedicated readers out there to help me with this - what is "Anteon" and why was it in my wallet?

In leaving,
Top five films that freaked me out:
5. Requiem for a Dream
4. Pink Floyd's The Wall
3. A Clockwork Orange
2. The Wizard of Oz
1. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Oompa...Oompa...Ompadee...dee
If you know "Anteon" then tell it to me
Oompa...Oompa...Ompadee....doo
If it's just a skank's name than flush it with the poo...

Sister Skank Smakk
Meeting the skank in college - 5 wasted years
Marrying the skank - 5 more wasted years
Divorcing the skank - another wasted year & $$$ wasted income
Nailing the skank's sister tonight while she's in town on business - priceless

Top five films with a sister skank hook-up:
5. Final Analysis
4. The Opposite of Sex
3. Chicago
2. Sex, Lies & Videotape
1. Tonight in room 1120 at the Renaissance Hotel

Sister Skanky your the only one.... (okay - so we just had dinner tonight. But it would have been priceless.)

Evolution Smakk
In the chain of things all living, I'm happy to be number two. Yeah that's right - numero two-o. We're bad and all as humans, but the most evolved creature by far is the dolphin. We fight, we to go to war, we watch American Idol, we marry skank - but not Senior Flipper. All they do is have fun swimming and jumping around, eating what they want, screwing who they want (a little skank-like after all), occupying 2/3rds of the earth and they even have a bigger brain that us. Plus now they're messing with the military with their little dolphin games - "Sure, we'll find you're warheads or chemical stashes. Land dwelling schmucks." And it's only dolphins that are superior - porpoise sounds French, so go ahead and filet those up for the grill if you catch one. So after much contemplation tonight, I have decided to now become a dolphin. Swimming, sushi, skank free oceans - here I come. So since they're mammals and not really fish, my topic tonight:
Top Five "Fish" movies:
5. The Fisher King
4. Rumble Fish
3. The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh
2. Searching for Bobby Fischer
1. A Fish Called Wanda

Hey...smell my fingers.

Born Again Smakk
The day of redemption is here. This will be a huge revelation for those of you that know me well, as well as those of you that googled "freaky, hot spring break 2003". (Yeah, that's right - I made first page on that google search. Screw MTV) But after giving it much thought, much meditation, much Captain...I have made that ultimate decision. I WILL GO WITHOUT CABLE FOR ALL OF 2003. It's only local channels for m baby. Crappy sitcoms, terrible "reality" tv, forensic television, Blind Date, Spanish stufff...all public airwaves. That's what I'm talking about. Plus, I think the French started cable. So I implore you all to join me - my legion of 6 or 7 readers. Say just no to cable and embrace the free love, the free love of free tv. Unless that is there's some techno geek reading this that can tap me in to my apartment's dish hook-up for free.
So on speaking of techno geeks,
Top five films with the computer as a character:
5. Terminator
4. 2001
3. Tron
2. The Matrix
1. Wargames

How about a nice game of chess?

Academy Smakk
No time for endless banter and witty dialouge - it's Oscar night. I wait in anticipation all year for this let down of an Awards Ceremony, but what can you say- it's the only show in town. So no smakk tonight but I will give my predictions in the major catagories:
Best Sup Actress - Julianne Moore
Best Sup Actor - Chris Cooper
Best Actress - Nicole Kidman
Best Actor - Jack Nicholson
Best Director - Martin Scorsese
Best Movie - Chicago
Best Documentary - The Night the Skank Died

So, on this special night we'll double the list size,
Top Ten films that never won the best picture:
10. Star Wars
9. Chinatown
8. Taxi Driver
7. The Quiet Man
6. Jaws
5. North by Northwest
4. It's a Wonderfull Life
3. The Graduate
2. Raging Bull
1. Citizen Kane

Time to have a drink & go ride Rosebud....