Valentine’s Day Smakk
What exactly is Valentine’s Day? We all know it’s actually a Hallmark promoted holiday highly supported by the candy and flowers industry. A day to by overpriced gifts, eat over priced dinner or for the same price (and guaranteed happy ending), buy an overpriced escort. But what is the actual history of St. Valentine. One of the more common legends contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men - his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Also while in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl - who may have been his jailor's daughter - who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed “From your Valentine”.
Now truly, Valentine’s Day is really just a way to exert a huge amount of pressure on the guy in the relationship to come up with some romantic idea/ gift. Now with my current relationship status of non-existent, I feel I owe it to all my brethren out there to provide suggestions of V-Day gifts. So below is the Top 5 Smakk Valentine’s Day Gifts (with accompanying poem for gift card):
5. Bikini Boot Camp Workout Membership – “I hope you know I am your true fellow, even though you jiggle like a big bowl of jello. So here’s my gift of love I’m giving to you, to help your ass fit in one seat rather than two.”
4. Cooking Lessons – “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you know, but whenever I eat your cooking it makes me want to blow.”
3. Divorce – “Kiss my ass and grab all your stuff, now get out of my house cause I’ve had enough.”
2. Original Poem – “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.” (Smakk classic)
1. Dildo – “To satisfy you I thought this might do the trick, because I wouldn’t fuck you - even with Lane’s dick.”
Top five “Love” movies:
5. Can’t Buy Me Love
4. From Russia with Love
3. To Sir, With Love
2. Dr. Strangelove
1. Shakespeare in Love
What exactly is Valentine’s Day? We all know it’s actually a Hallmark promoted holiday highly supported by the candy and flowers industry. A day to by overpriced gifts, eat over priced dinner or for the same price (and guaranteed happy ending), buy an overpriced escort. But what is the actual history of St. Valentine. One of the more common legends contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men - his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Also while in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl - who may have been his jailor's daughter - who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed “From your Valentine”.
Now truly, Valentine’s Day is really just a way to exert a huge amount of pressure on the guy in the relationship to come up with some romantic idea/ gift. Now with my current relationship status of non-existent, I feel I owe it to all my brethren out there to provide suggestions of V-Day gifts. So below is the Top 5 Smakk Valentine’s Day Gifts (with accompanying poem for gift card):
5. Bikini Boot Camp Workout Membership – “I hope you know I am your true fellow, even though you jiggle like a big bowl of jello. So here’s my gift of love I’m giving to you, to help your ass fit in one seat rather than two.”
4. Cooking Lessons – “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach you know, but whenever I eat your cooking it makes me want to blow.”
3. Divorce – “Kiss my ass and grab all your stuff, now get out of my house cause I’ve had enough.”
2. Original Poem – “Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let’s go fuck.” (Smakk classic)
1. Dildo – “To satisfy you I thought this might do the trick, because I wouldn’t fuck you - even with Lane’s dick.”
Top five “Love” movies:
5. Can’t Buy Me Love
4. From Russia with Love
3. To Sir, With Love
2. Dr. Strangelove
1. Shakespeare in Love
posted by CaptSmakk @ 9:26 AM
1 Comments:
At 10:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
#1 is funny as hell!!!!
~amber
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