Old School Smakk
I’ve decided to go old school tonight and leave the Uptown area to visit Sherlock’s in Arlington with Joe Bagofdonuts and The Impreginator. Since this will probably mark my 282nd visit there, I can go ahead and tell you how the night will progress:
1. Arrive at bar around 7:30pm a good two hours before anyone else
2. Grab table in center of main room
3. Waitress introduces herself, Christi, to table
4. I’ll order beer, Impreg will order beer, Joe will order 16 breasts of chicken & water
5. Look at watch and ask each other why are we here so early
6. I’ll order beer, Impreg order beer, Joe will ask for more ketchup to drown chicken
7. Manager will stop by and welcome us back
8. I’ll order beer, Impreg will order beer, Joe will search for unfinished food from other tables
9. One more table of people enter bar
10. I’ll order vodka soda, Impreg will raise eyebrow, Joe will order Crown & Diet
11. Look at watch – 8:15pm
12 – 23. I’ll order 11 vodka sodas. Waitress name will change to Stacy
24. Band will start playing
25. Every table fills up. More girls will become cuter
26. Band will start playing “She Fucking Hates Me.”
27. Manager will tell me to stop dancing on table
28. Joe will talk to cute girl at next table for two hours
29. Impreg will have his tongue down throat of someone from his office . Hopefully a girl
30. I will go to restroom for 13th time
31. I will start making out with girl that looks familiar for some reason
32. Joe will walk around corner screaming “CockBlocker” at me
33. I will recognize it’s girl from next table
34. Joe will begin to walk home, change mind, start talking to new girl at next table
35. Impreg will start singing Steelers fight song to a table because one guy mentioned he’s heard of the state of Pennsylvania
37. Stacy will say she cutting me off, again, then bring another vodka soda
38. I will go to bathroom for 14th time
39. I will start making out with different girl that looks familiar for some reason
40. Joe will walk around corner screaming “CockBlocker” at me
41. I will recognize it’s new girl from next table
42. I will begin talking in sign language
43. Lights in Sherlocks will turn on
44. I will wake up on couch asking “Did they have a band last night?”
45. Time to start drinking

Top five comedies about a drunk:
5. Leaving Las Vegas (was I the only one that found that funny)
4. Fandango (one guy was passed out for the whole movie)
3. Billy Madison
2. Arthur
1. Harvey

Breakin’ Up Smakk
I’ve always felt that one should have closure and end relationships on good notes with kindness and maturity. In saying so, I’ve decided to reflect back on my most recent break-up experiences. I will try to only include those endings that were of the most memorable of times over the past couple of years. Please feel free to take notes, but no wagering.

Name : Skank (Ex-Mrs Smakk)
Length of Relationship: 10 years
Method of Breakup: Phone
Location of Breakup: Suburbs
Current Standing: Dead to me

Name : Skankpuss 1
Length of Relationship: 3 Hours
Method of Breakup: Fired Her
Location of Breakup: Club 301
Current Standing: Avoidance

Name: Skankpuss 2
Length of Relationship: 4 Hours
Method of Breakup: I Sobered Up
Location of Breakup: Club 301
Curent Standing: Employee

Name: FreakNasty
Length of Relationship: 6 Months (only as friends)
Method of Breakup: “Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You”
Location of Breakup: The Loon
Current Standing: Random phone calls

Name: STH (Short Term Hoe)
Length of Relationship: 2 Months
Method of Breakup: In person, night before boys trip to Vegas
Location of Breakup: Her Place
Current Standing: Random emails

Name: Burning Bush
Length of Relationship: 4 Months
Method of Breakup: In person
Location of Breakup: Club 301 Shower
Current Standing: Friend

Name: Glass Breaking Voice Girl
Length of Relationship: 1 Week
Method of Breakup: Email
Location of Breakup: Work
Current Standing: Non-existent

Name: Burning Bush (again)
Length of Relationship: 3 Months
Method of Breakup: Phone
Location of Breakup: Club 301
Current Standing: Friend (again)

Too many films about breaking up. So let’s just do top five films about breakin’:
5. Wild Style
4. You Got Served
3. Cocoon
2. Breakin’
1. Breakin’ 2 : The Electric Bugaloo

Alias Smakk
So yes, I have watched 22 episodes of “Alias” in the past 3 days. The strange thing is the main character, Sydney, always seems to go by Sydney. She colors her hair, she kicks some bootie, she sleeps with J Lo’s ex – but I think she always keeps the name, Sydney. So I’m troubled about the whole Alias part. Doesn’t that mean going by another name?
I myself love having an Alias. Matter of fact - I think all things should have an Alias as well. (Do I keep saying Alias, or is it just me that keeps saying Alias? And why do I capitalize Alias every time I say Alias? Am I the only one talking here or is it my Alias? Those don’t look like my fingers typing…one guess, my Alias. Still capitalized by the way. Alias. Stop it. Alias. No more. Alias. AAAlias. I’m done. A…A…psyche. Alias. “nuff said. Alias.)
Anyway – we should have alias (not capitalized this time mind you) names for every normal day items.
House – alias Crib
Car – alias Ride
Dog – alias Dawg
Drink – alias Oxygen
Sober – alias HAHAHAHA
Blog – alias drunk ramblings
Ramblings – alias many rambles
Rambles – alias many ram
Ram – alias the r to the am
Am – alias am I still talking about this?
M – alias mmmmmm…. Do you know Bob?
Bob – alias paraplegic in the pool (old joke)
Tonight’s post – alias I’m going to bed
My bed – alias screams of joy
Screams of Joy – alias turn off the porn
Porn – alias it’s like corn with a “p” (now I’ve confused myself)
Cat – alias Smell My Fingers (keep thinking of the “p” to the corn)
Calling Burning Bush at 12:53am – alias Booty Call

Top five movies I can type before passing out on keyboard:
5. Night of th…w cewif[edhn[fueppp]0fu]e9uj]ew9ugj]er
4.
3
1`gew2rdFRFEtw

nite nite

Kentucky Fried Smakk
First off – thank you to one of the Friends of Smakk, Matt, for bringing this issue to my attention. Making sure to jump all over the most dire of problems facing the world today, Rev Al Sharpton has teamed with PETA to call upon the black community to boycott KFC for cruelty to chickens. To quote Big Al, “I’m calling on people to boycott KFC until they adopt animal welfare systems recommended by PETA and until they stop the worst abuses of the birds they raise for their restaurants.” Others have also joined this great cause including Russel Simmons, Paul McCartney, Pam Anderson and the Dalai Lama. (Now that would be a party to go to!)
This may be the most ridiculous cause I heard since that time I said I would give up drinking for three days straight. Al is worried about how the chickens are treated before we deep fry and eat them? At least we kill them first. What about the poor crabs and lobsters? They’re cooked alive. (Though Joe Bagofdonuts told me that some crabs you can’t drown…hmmm.) Or oysters? They don’t even get cooked at all before eaten. Why is their no love for the poor shellfish of the world?
I say fuck Al, fuck PETA, fuck Pam Anderson (uh duh), fuck the Dalai Lama (that lightning bolt is going to sting), fuck that cute bartender named April that works at Swamp Daddy’s in Arlington (sorry, I digress).
Top five movies with chickens:
5. Far and Away
4. Stroker Ace
3. Chicken Run
2. Little Nicky (Popeye’s Chicken)
1. Babe
It’s taste just like chicken and is finger lickin’ good. Smells like fish though…

Friends of Smakk
Yes, this is my 3rd post so far today. When it rains, it pours. When the cat is away, the mice will play. When the van is a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’. When she asks “do I look fat?”- always answer “fatter than what?”
Ok, so I thought I would take a moment and introduce some of my frequent visitors to the House of Smakk. In no particular order:
Joe Bagofdonuts – they say good things come in small packages, they were wrong
The Impregnator – ladies, all I’m saying is keep your legs crossed
The Burning Bush - burning as in red hair, not burning as in undiagnosed rash
White Gurl – we have to keep reminding her
B-bro (alias G Five) – reminds me of a duckbilled platypus, very elusive
Frenchify Girl – love her like a sister…in-law
DrE - check archives from 2/17/03. 'nuff said
She Who Can Never Hear or Speak My Name – you shouldn’t be reading this anyway
Tator Tot – all I can say is White Gurl said it had to do with his size and taste
Troop Entertainer - some like being in the military, she likes the military being in her
Coach Pimp Juice - soon to have new last name...once her man is old enough to be legal

Top five movies starring a cast member from Friends:
5. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
4. The Good Girl
3. Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion
2. Scream (1,2, and 3)
1. Office Space

The worst five movies starring a cast member from Friends: (this was much easier)
5. The Pallbearer
4. 3000 Miles to Graceland
3. Leprechaun
2. Seving Sara
1. Ed

Abstinence Smakk
The federal government is expected to spend about $130 million to fund programs advocating abstinence for teenage sex in 2005. So basically Bush is telling teenagers to stay away from bush. I find this message very confusing and cannot be party to such a contradiction. Any teenage girls that also feel this way, please attend the anti-abstinence rally being held nightly at Club 1407 in Uptown. Thank you for your support and the support of push-up bras that you are probably wearing.
Top five movies w/ virgin de-flowering:
5. Losing It
4. Class
3. American Pie (and you thought Tara Reid as a genius was unbelievable – a virgin?)
2. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
1. Risky Business

February Smakk

Many of you may not realize this but February is actually on of the best party months of the year. Just think about all those great holidays crammed into one little month giving us so many reasons for fun and debauchery. Let’s review:
Groundhog Day (Feb 2nd) – the official holiday of Richard Gere in which we celebrate a rodent going in and out of a hole. Also, the perfect holiday to get drunk and have long conversations with your shadow.
Fat Tuesday (Feb 8th) – drink hurricanes, get naked, throw beads, throw up. Is there anything better?
Lincoln’s B-Day (Feb 12th)- get drunk, put on a helmet and go see a play
Valentine’s Day (Feb 14th) – now for most this a day of love, romance and over priced dinners. For me, this is the day we celebrate the anniversary of being skank-free from the former Mrs. Ex-Smakk. And when I think of skank, I like to drank.
President’s Day (Feb 21st) – perfect day to get drunk and go make speeches in public places.
Washington’s B-Day (Feb 22nd) – get drunk, wear white wig, chop down neighbor’s tree while screaming “ I cannot tell a lie”
Also let’s not forget that February is also Black History Month. As many of you know, I am half black – from the waist down. So inhonor of this fine month of black celebration, I will buy Season 2 of Dave Chappelle and watch it while drinking only Hypnotiq, Colt 45 and Pimp Juice.

Top five black movies:
5. Pitch Black
4. Black Rain
3. White Hunter, Black Heart
2. Men in Black
1. Black Hawk Down