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Friday, April 14, 2006

Easter Smakk
Just don't get this holiday. I understand the biblical reference around the death and rebirth of Christ, for Christ's sake, but what the hell is with the candy, colored eggs and Bunny stuff. (That sentence just had all kinds of wrong about it.) I'm guessing the candy just got added like with every other holiday, but what's with coloring eggs and then hiding them? I'm sure it seems fun to the kids and all on the dayof the egg hunt, but how fun is it four months from now when they crash into one of the not found eggs?
And where the hell did the Easter Bunny idea come from? To me, the Easter Bunny is whoever the girl is that wakes up in my bed that particular Sunday morning after a Saturday night Smakk-down. (No, of course that doesn't apply anymore now that I have my own live-in Bunny.) Anyway - Happy Freakin' Easter all!!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

To set the rumors straight, my alias is not Cash McMogulson. Very close...but not me. His story is below. Classic stuff. Thanks to White G for the hook-up on this.

-THE LIFE AND TIMES OF CASH MCMOGULSON-
a Dallas deal-maker and overall awesome guy

My name is Cash McMogulson III, I don't know you, but you probably know me. You've seen me in Paper City or out at the bar. I didn't notice you --- don't worry. I was probably wearing a blazer. My days are always productive and my nights are always awesome. Did I tell you about last thursday? No! Shit. Well here it goes, another banner night…

My buddies and I went to Bob's for dinner. We do deals. We eat steaks. I got the filet – rare. That's what you order. I didn't eat the carrot. That's gay shit. Anyway, our waitress was hot! I've been seeing this girl, Ashley St. Standard. I mean, she's hot too of course, and even though she's pretty average in the sack and not too smart – she was in a good sorority- the same one as my mom. I don't know where she is tonight. Don't really care, but I'm getting ahead of myself. So Bob's was fucking amazing – oh and we totally played credit card Russian roulette. I didn't lose, but I paid for the whole thing anyway. Who the fuck cares who pays, it was practically a business dinner since we talked about all the deals I have going on. I always have deals going on. So do my buddies. So then I looked at my Rolex and it was like 10:30pm , it's EARLY! My buddy Turner Parkerton was so wasted – he's a closer too. That's why we hang out. So anyway he just broke up with his girlfriend who sucked by the way (I mean if she didn't suck, I'd be dating her) and we wanted to find some really hot tail – for him I mean, since I'm seeing that girl… I told Turner I'd drive, so we all got into my black Tahoe. I mean Tahoes are great – that's what guys should have. I'd get an '07 Range Rover, but I don't want to beat it up on my hunting lease. The valet took forever, so I just gave the dude a $20. I don't have time to wait for change. It's just a bunch of ones. That's not even money. We were going to go to Sense and get a table and some bottles of Ketel, but we didn't want some North Dallas chicks throwing themselves at us and drinking off our bottles. I don't touch 972s anyway. So in the car we all decided to go cougar hunting. Best sport in Dallas. You know what a cougar is right? Yeah! So fucking hot. They're old and rich and all they want is sex. So they're just like me, except older and female. Not that I'd date one of them for real. But they're good for entertainment. So me and Turner went to TABC, it's cougar den in there. Just roll in there in a hot white shirt and blazer and you're golden. Just a couple of bleeding deer waiting to get clawed. Cougars can smell a guy with a Rolex from 100 yards. It's half the reason I wear one. Here kitty. So, I was talking to this one hot cougar and this fat girl tried to talk to me. I mean she was ordering a drink, but still, she talked to me and asked me to move over so she could get to the bar. My friends and I close deals, we don't talk to fat chicks – got it? It pissed me off so bad a piece of my hair even fell out of place. I have great hair – at least that's what my mom told me. It's kind of wavy and the ladies love it. My dad Cash McMogulson Jr. has the exact same hair, he's in real estate too. Enough about me, back to the evening…

So it was almost 1am and we still hadn't found any ass for Turner, not that it's hard for me to find ass, because it isn't. I knew where to go (I ALWAYS know where to go) – the Loon. Finding a drunk chick to hook up with in the Loon after 1am is like shooting fish in a barrel, but easier and when you look like me and Turner, it's almost unfair. The Loon was packed. This dude in a ribbed v-neck with spiky hair totally on one of my Ferragamo loafers and I almost beat his ass. "The dealership Addison called, the lease on your H3 is up, time to go home" That's what I said to him! My shoes cost as much as his car payment. Loser. No, I take that back, my tie costs as much as his car payment. It was so goddamn funny. I can't help it. I'm superior. I've got so much more money than him, I mean my parents do, but still. When they die, I'll be way richer. You should have been there. I was wasted, and I didn't need to deal with a bunch of trash, Turner and I are too good for that shit. What? You think it sounds like my night sucked? Are you kidding me? So what if nothing happened! I don't care, it was awesome. $1000 dollars for dinner doesn't even make me blink. I can't wait to tell all my friends tomorrow. I'm going to email them and tell them how awesome it was. I'll be in the office early of course. I've got this deal to work on.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hygiene Smakk
Love my job. Yesterday, one of my recruiters had to counsel a temp employee because the client was complaining that the temp smelled so bad it was bothering others at the office. After this consultation, the temp employee went to a doctor today and the doctor said she needed to immediately go see her obgyn. The temp then told us that she could not get in to see one until the end of the month because they were all booked up. Upon hearing this news, my response to the entire office (this is God honest the truth), “There’s something fishy going on with her.” Jeez, I crack myself up.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Recap Smakk
I'll do my best here but it was a very, very fuzzy weekend:
Blackeyed Peas/Pussycat Dolls sub zero concert
Knox Street with wandering Avril
Backseat brawl with Gwedo
Loops foot being run over at valet stand
Text - "On patio" Response - "In cab"
Suprise 30th Bday bash for Wu
Opening gift bag of Brokeback Mountain, KY and Preperation H
Winning $10k and Loops shirt in craps run
Old Country Road over and over and over
Julios, Buffalo Wild Wings, & 120 pizza rolls
"Oh my God, there's a giant fly!" serenade
Sunday Night Sherlocks

Ok - it's Monday. Time for my nap...