Tard Smakk
Now I’m pretty sure I have brought this up before but for any of those who have met me for more than a half hour should know that my memory when it comes to storytelling is not exactly Memorex. One of the best blog out there is www.tard-blog.com. Yes, this is the story of a special ed teacher’s daily experience with her “tard” students. Here’s a little exert sample for you about the teacher’s first day learning that corn is a staple meal for the tards:

“Anyway, Daria was digging in her Wal-Mart elastic-wasted pants, which she does on a regular basis, while I was trying to teach them how to play Red Rover. I ignored her for the time being and continued explaining the game. They of course could not understand the concept of why only one person got to run over at a time. After 20 minutes of calling a name and then stopping multi-tard stampedes, Daria’s name was finally called. When she ran by she yelled, “Miss Pell! PWESENT!”
Who knew she had aim? Her sticky little hand fired a corn dimpled log at my face, hitting me square in the face with her poop. I was thus presented with undeniable proof that she eats a lot of corn.
I called my assistant to come watch the kids while I picked corn and fecal matter from my face and hair for the next 30 minutes, pondered my life as a sped teacher, and decided which bar happy hour would be at that day.”
That’s good tard stuff.

Top five tard movies:
5. Benny & Joon
4. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?
3. Of Mice & Men
2. Charly
1. Something About Mary

Pink Eye Smakk
So my little friend The Human Hairbrush came over last night infected with pink eye. Yes, I am usually fond of seeing "the pink” but not really in this case. The proper name for pink eye is actually conjunctivitis, which is the inflammation of the thin, clear membrane (the conjunctiva) that covers the white part of the eye. The most common form is Viral Conjunctivitis that usually affects only one eye and causes excessive eye watering and a light discharge. Much like my one eyed wonder worm (we'll call him Cyclops) that often needs excessive watering and gets to discharge on occasion. There is also Bacterial Conjunctivitis that causes a heavy discharge that is sometimes greenish. I don’t remember Cyclops discharging anything green but it would be a sweet St Patty’s Day effect. Now Allergic Conjunctivitis can cause itching and redness as well as excessive tearing. Cyclops usually waters more in a stream than tears, and the itching and redness usually only occur when he hangs out with his buddy Freddy Five Fingers. Then there is Giant Papillary Conjunctivitis. Now the GPC usually causes extreme itching, a heavy discharge, tearing and red bumps on the underside of the eyelids. Luckily (and I do mean luckily) Cyclops has not had a GPC like experience with the itching and red bumps. This is because Cyclops also likes to wear a thin, clear membrane (the condomjunctiva) when meeting new pink.
So, top five movies with a cyclops:
5. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad
4. Krull
3. Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me
2. X-Men
1. O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Perfect Joke Smakk
The perfect joke:
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says, "Boy, it's hot in here."
The other muffin replies, "Holy Shit! A talking muffin!"
If you think you can do better, bring it on in comments.
Top five "perfect" movies:
5. The Perfect Weapon
4. Picture Perfect
3. Perfect
2. The Perfect Storm
1. Dead Solid Perfect

Cocktail Weenie Ring Smakk
What’s more embarrassing: explaining to the wife, explaining to the doctor or explaining that the ring fit?

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1313805.html?menu=news.quirkies.sexlife

Top five ring movies:
5. My Wedding Video (more of a horror movie)
4. Ringu
3. The Ring
2. The Postman Always Rings Twice
1. Lord of the Rings

Real World Austin Smakk
So our little journey to the SXSW Music Fest in Austin this weekend took an interesting and fun turn. Yes, that’s right – we ended up partying with 2 of the 7 strangers all living in a house together. The Real World is currently filming the new season in Austin and my little posse was able to swig back shots for about 4 hours with a couple of the new cast members – Wes and Johanna. Though I’m sure my typing this on my blog right now is probably breaking that confidentiality disclosure thingy I signed after my 4th shot. Even though Johanna (total cutie by the way) was able to fend off the “eye” from me even while wearing my new “Shiver Me Timbers” t-shirt, I have to admit those guys were extremely cool and a lot of fun. So this summer we will be having a Club 1407 Real World watching party every Tuesday night until the official Smakk sighting occurs. So get your TIVO’s ready because Smakk has just gone prime time!!!
Top five pirate movies (Arggggggg!):
5. Captain Blood
4. The Pirate Movie
3. Yellowbeard
2. Princess Bride
1. Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl