Suicide Smakk
Gotta tell you, one of the weakest post-relationship ploys is the old suicide threat. I understand that suicide is a serious and sad issue when it comes to confused teens or truly emotionally distressed folks. But these lame ass exes that I hear about that throw out the line, “I’m going to kill myself if you leave me,” – I’m like more power to them. Can I offer you some suggestions of ways to do it? Hell, I would also be like, “Can you make sure I’m in the will first?” And probably the thing that is weaker about this ploy is those girls that actually fall for this, and go off running after the loser. What brought this about today is that this just happened with a girl that’s a friend of mine. So homeboy shows up spewing out how he has to be with her, can’t live without her, blah, blah, blah. Dude – you lived 30 years, had 2 kids and survived the ridicule of being only 3 feet tall. And this is going to make you eat a bullet. And way to be a great dad by the way. Sure your kids would love to hear how much they matter to you. What a joke!
If I get so messed up over some girl I get as fucked up as this guy, I’m not thinking suicide – I’m thinking let’s really get fucked up. I’m thinking let’s hop a plane to Vegas, max out all those credit cards, slam down some gallons of booze and live it up like some big ballers with no worries in the world. But hey, you have fun watching from above as your family and friends cry over over your sorry ass grave – I’ll be waving at you from the top of the Palms at the Ghost Bar. Late…
Top suicide movies:
5. Virgin Suicides
4. Ordinary People
3. Harold & Maude
2. The End
1. Heathers

St Patty's Day Smakk
St Patty’s Day is here!!! A day completely dedicated to the over consumption of beer. What could possibly be better than that? Well I’m glad I asked:
St Patty’s Day + nudity = Mardi Gras
St Patty’s Day + food = Oktoberfest
St Patty’s Day + beach = Spring Break
St Patty’s Day + random hoes = any night at Club 1407
St Patty’s Day + porn = lonely night at Club 1407
St Patty’s Day + corn = morning after praying to porcelain gods (when did I eat corn?)
St Patty’s Day + music = SXSW Music Fest in Austin
St Patty’s Day + music + three hoes = Me at SXSW Music Fest in Austin (hope they’re not reading this)
St Patty’s Day + car = Road Trip or Trip to Jail
St Patty’s Day + boat = this summer
St Patty’s Day + plane = Crop Dusting (Crop Dusters Spray Better)

Top five beer movies:
5. Brew (***see below***)
4. Take This Job and Shove It
3. Spring Break
2. Smokey & the Bandit (smuggling Coors from Texas)
1. Strange Brew

*** I haven’t actually sen this movie but the plot summary sounds like it could be a Smakk classic. Brew - A college student inherits a brewery, and decides to sell it for the money. As he and his friends clean the place, lurking in the celler is supposedly some long-dead ancestors have been locked away, living off beer made from human blood. They get loose and lock the kids in the brewery, where the feeding starts.

Road Trip Smakk
The road trip is a sacred journey that should be a regular part of everyone’s life. What could be better than heading out on the road in your ride packed with friends, beer, snacks, beer, cd’s and beer. But the essential part of the road trip that many people fail to understand is doing the right activities for entertainment value while out on the road. Here are a few classics that I recommend:
Mile Marker Chug – everyone takes a drink every time you pass a mile marker
Improvised Urinal - finding different items that you can piss in while in the car to avoid stopping at the bathroom; some of my winners – Doritos bag, Gatorade bottle, Pringles can, ex-wife’s purse, etc…
Improvised Urinal Plus – throwing those items out the car window to hit friend’s car following behind you
Burp Blow – quietly blow your burp breath from the backseat to the driver; works best on combination of beer, Taco Beuno & Monster energy drink
Psycho Disk Repeat – playing the same highly annoying song on repeat at least 27 times during the trip; recommend Take My Breath Away or Since You’ve been Gone
Random Man – blurting out of random sayings in the middle of other people’s conversation; anything about crop dusting or muffins usually works
Seat Warmer War - secretly turning on the heated seat warmer of your neighbor and watching them start to sweat thinking they’re having a hangover heat attack
I have an Austin road trip planned for this weekend to go to the SXSW Music fest, so I’ll be sure to update you all on any new road trip activities we uncover. Be safe - just don’t be sober.
Top five road trip movies:
5. Overnight Delivery
4. Planes, Trains and Automobiles
3. Road Trip
2. Rain Man
1. Blues Brothers

Giant Gnat Smakk
While hanging out last Saturday night with a couple of the Club 1407 groupies, our little get together was interrupted by an attack from a giant gnat. Yes, a giant gnat. (Know it wasn’t crabs – Soldier Entertainer wasn’t even there.) This was the largest, most ferocious gnat that I have ever seen in my life. He was vicious I tell you – vicious. Imagine the pit bull of gnats, the wolverine of gnats, the Ray Lewis of gnats, the Jeffery Dahmer of gnats, the homo at a weenie roast of gnats, the Michael Jackson at a daycare of gnats, the me in front of a full bottle of Captain Morgan of gnats. Luckily even in my post-St Patty’s Day Parade state, I was able to successfully fend off the attack with my solo acoustic guitar rendition of Blister in the Sun. Now I know this story may sound confusing and make no sense, but if you were there it would have been much more confusing and made absolutely no sense.
Top five films with giant insects:
5. Three Legged Freaks
4. Tremors
3. Starship Troopers
2. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
1. Lord of the Rings – Return of the King

Gambling Smakk
Quick post just to let you know I'm still alive and the rumors of me drowning in my own vomit are not true - yet. Hit the Hollywood casino last night for only a half hour at the blackjack tables. Made a grand and walked away. As you know, "All I do is make money."
Top five movies about gambling:
5. Maverick
4. The Cooler
3. Rounders
2. The Color of Money
1. The Hustler