Rain Smakk

Rain, rain, rain, rain...and rain. What is up with this reign of rain? (wasn't that witty) I'm expecting animals to start walking by in pairs to board an ark. Speaking of which, how big was that damn boat? It had two of every species? If I was Noah, I would have taken the opportunity to get rid of a few species. Waht the hell good does a possum do anyway? And I'm sure everyone was happy to see they saved nice creatures like fire ants, locusts, wombats, lice...actually I'm not really sure what a wombat is, but I felt I was primarily picking on just insects. And how do amphibians fit in the story? I assume he didn't grab any fish since it was a flood, but what about those little guys that need both land and water. Did they jump back and forth from the ark? Is it ark or arc? How many questions I'm I going to ask in this post? And if the bible provide's most of life's answers, why does it perpetuate so many questions? What's the capital of North Dakota anyway? Why is that all of sudden important? What is my movie theme going to be?
Let's go with top five films at sea:
5. Titanic (or Ti-tan-tic as this annoying girl I knew always said)
4. The Bounty
3. White Squall
2. Mr. Roberts
1. Jaws

& best book at sea (and probably just best book period):
Old Man in the Sea

First they swim, and then they jump. And then they swim, and then they jump.

Mavericks Smakk

Went to the game last night.
Parking sucks, taking the train rules.
$5.75 beer sucks, still serving drinks in the 4th quarter rules.
Van Exel shooting sucks, Van Exel passing rules.
Mark Cuban dancing on sideline sucks, Dance Teams rules.
The game announcer sucks, the "Rapper" rules (had to be there.)
San Antonio sucks, Dallas rules.

Top five basketball movies:
5. Hoop Dreams
4. The Basketball Diaries
3. The Fish that Saved Pittsburgh
2. White Men Can't Jump
1. Hoosiers

He's on fire!!

Baby Smakk

A pair of my good friends in SoCal had their first child tonight (as you know, it is much harder to do alone), so I thought it well intentioned to give homage to the miracle of birth. There is nothing more special than the miracle of birth - save maybe the miracle of non-conception. Think about this post you're now reading. Is it the beauty of what I say now or more so in the beauty of what I have not yet said, that we so embrace. So shall we more embrace that which has come or passed, or that which is not yet here or conceived? Do I prefer that remaining swig of the bottle I now drink or that first pull from a freshly cracked seal of the open still in the brown paper bag?

nppha88a \(($%$Fufdapuyaaawoi - sorry, I fell asleep on the keyboard for a second. To get back to the subject - congrats to la familia de G on your new little girl. And here's our list:

Top five movies if my ex-wife gave birth...
5. To the Devil a Daughter
4. The Usual Suspects (aka Who's Your Daddy?)
3. The Bad Seed
2. Rosemary's Baby
1. Omen II: Damien

Burn baby burn.

A-Hole Smakk

I heard that old story today about how Eskimos have something like 100 words for snow, and how us greedy mainland Americans have so many words for money. Basically saying cultures have the most words for what's most important to them. But when I thought about it, I really think we have more words for asshole than any other word. Now I'm sure you expect me to list out all those (both for the literal and figurative meanings) but I've decided to take the high ground and let you do that on your own time. Plus I'm a little scared of what kind of google & yahoo referrals that might get me.
Also, we seem to have a ton of words for nothing (nada, nil, zilch, zero, shit, etc.), which would mean as a culture we greatly value nothing. Could answer our love for Seinfeld at least. The other thing that confuses me is my limited number of synonyms for Britney Spears, whom I value greatly especially on long lonely nights in front of my computer while having a conversation with my shadow and counting the number of bumps in the ceiling. But I digress a little. So to recap: we value money, assholes and nothing but not skimpy dressed not-yet-a-woman brainless sex kittens. I'm moving to Auckland...
Top five films about real life assholes (yeah you might have liked them but they were assholes):
5. Dick (Richard Nixon)
4. Man in the Moon (Andy Kauffman)
3. Patton (George Patton)
2. Lenny (Lenny Bruce)
1. Raging Bull (Jake LaMotta)

And just for the record - the best looking ass in a movie was not J. Lo but was Catherine Zeta Jones maneuvering through alarm lasers in Entrapment.

Dead Calf Smakk

The title of my post is accurate so for those a little weak in the stomach you may want to pass on this one.
So a friend of mine, Dr. E, was telling a story about being at a farm this weekend. His father-in-law (whom we will refer to as TED - Tennis Elbow Dad) is a large animal vet and while at his place this weekend, TED was called to help with a cow having problems birthing the calf. So Dr. E & TED went to see the cow and here's his story:
So after getting the pregnant mamma cow into a stall using a shocking cattle prod, TED shoves his arm up in this pregnant living hamburger and announces, "This calf is dead."
"How can you tell?" asked Dr. E.
"Well he ain't moving and it stinks in there," replied TED.
"How does it usually smell in there?" asked Dr. E.
No response.
"Well, we're going to have to pull her out of there," proclaimed TED.
So yes - TED with his new helper pulled the dead calf from the mamma bovine and as Dr. E told me over lunch today (I had chicken by the way), "It came out and just went 'thud' on the ground."
So for any of you with kids that love animals and want to grow up to be a vet, this may be a lovely story to share over the campfire. And yes, the reason we refer to him as Tennis Elbow Dad is that he does suffer from tennis elbow from having his arm up cow and horse ass (and other places as above) all day. I can see a new stunt for Fear Factor in the making.
So, top five films on the farm:
5. The Milagro Beanfield War
4. Grapes of Wrath
3. Man in the Moon (not the Andy Kauffman one)
2. Babe
1. Giant

That will do, dead calf, that will do.

And one more thing - weak, weak, weak, weak, weak, weak twist ending for Joe Millionaire. Damn you Dr. E for making me watch it. Why don't you go stick your arm up a cow's...

Airline Security Smakk

So here's my flight story from this weekend - I flying out of Ontario, CA (east LA area) around 6pm cst. After the entire plane is loaded with everyone seated, and flight attendant asks over the speaker, "Would the gentleman with the paper Texas driver's license please ring his call button?" So this guy 2 rows in front of me lights the bell and some dude attendants come over and ask him to gather all his luggage and get off the plane. So our dude departs and the attendant says, "Since a passenger was let on the plane without a picture ID, we will have to ask everyone to gather all their belongings and depart the plane, so that we can perform a sweep. Everyone will then be allowed to reboard after going back through security." Now I know I went through at least 3 freakin' ID checks before getting on but after the whole damn plane is loaded they just then remember this guy. I can see the $6hr guard right now - "Dat was kinda weerd how hees pichure waddunt on hees liceence? Uhhhhh, I's supposed to point dat out?" Alright that was kinda strange text even for me. Basically, an entire airport security figured out after the guy was on the plane that he should have shown ID. Weak...
But to give big props to America West...I made my connection, got my luggage and saw that dude attendant bitch out security for making us get off the plane for the bullshit. Anyway, I made it back so that counts for something.
Top five mindless Airplane flicks that I still watch:
5. Iron Eagle
4. Die Hard 2
3. Memphis Belle
2. Airplane (yeah I got all your freakin' messages)
1. Top Gun

And by the way, I was inverted.