Random Traffic Smakk
In a total blatant act to drive more traffic to my site from google-esque searches, I have listed some of the most popular search topics of the day. If you are a first time visitor that has fallen for this ploy, consider yourself – SMAKKED. And thank you for your support. Now for the topics:

Terrorists Attacks, Britney Spears, Usama Bin Laden, Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, American Idol, Afghanistan, Valentine’s Day, IRS, Saudi Arabia, Lindsey Lohan, FAA, Camilla Parker Bowles, Pope, Nuclear Weapons, Johnny Carson, al-Qaida, Super Bowl, World Trade Center, North Korea, Mahmoud Abbas, Tsunami, NHL, Big Eared Bat, Bush, Medicare, Social Security, State of the Union, Canseco, Academy Awards, Utah Tanker, GM Recalls, Jessica Simpson, Patriots, Mermaid Baby, Virginia pants law, Aishwarya Rai, Ossie Davis, Chinese New Year, Candy Hearts, Kate Moss, Randy Moss, Goomba love tips, Captain Morgan, flower power, Gaza, Reagan stamp, diploma mills, Engelbert Humperdinck, Hope Diamond, flu, Anna Sui, Pebble Beach

Top five movies with a traffic jam as major plot point:
5. Falling Down
4. Pushing Tin (air traffic jam)
3. Italian Job
2. LA Story
1. The Great American Traffic Jam

Grain Smakk
I've decided it's time to expand my circle of friends and include more grain. No, I'm not talking about Everclear (this time at least) but actually having grain as a new friend. Just think about it. There's ethnic diversity in grain - white rice, brown rice, yellow rice. There's party grain - grain alcohol, fried rice. Perverted grain - dirty rice, sticky rice. Hell, there's even homosexual grain - Rice A Roni, the San Francisco treat. So let's stop the madness of bigotry towards these starches and embrace the grains. Hey, don't go against the grain. It's time to unite. Bring me our forks, our chopsticks, our drunken hands when we can't work the utensils.
Rice is nice. No grain, no pain. Hey Charley, where's our barley? That wheat, so neat. I'm drunk, I thunk. I'm so wasted, my turkey's basted. Gotta sleep, go away sheep. This is whack, no more smakk.
Top five movies with grain:
5. any Tarzan movie (created by Edgar Rice Burroughs
4. XXX (with Vin Diesel; Diesel is another alcohol like Everclear; Everclear is grain alcohol; yes I'm really reaching now)
3. Strange Brew (much wheat, much barley)
2. Witness (someone died in some type of grain silo)
1. Spiderman (Uncle Ben)

Fat Tuesday Smakk
Unfortunately, I acted very unSmakk-like yesterday and did not go out for Fat Tuesday. I know many of you are probably fainting on your keyboards at reading this. There were no beads, no parades, no topless women, no drinks (well, there might have still been a few drinks and 1 or 2 topless women). Now many of you may feel that missing this night has weighed greatly on me today since there is not another auspicious holiday geared around the consumption of alcohol until St Patrick’s Day. In actuality, Fat Tuesday has more become a fear of mine do to the fact I usually end up having a whale beach in my bed after this night of drinking. Guess I take the Fat part a little too literally. But now in retrospect today – I feel that this injustice was not to me by going out last night, but to all those well rounded ladies looking for a Smakk Attack. So I have decided to try and make up for this omission by adding a few more days to honor this week:
Today - Portly Wednesday (not a big as Fat Tuesday but you still need a few before taking home)
Tomorrow – Thick Thigh Thursday (to honor those ladies that you have to help wedge your way in)
Friday – Full Body Friday (I swear she was just “big boned”)
Weekend – Wide Ass Weekend (think the JLo of drinking days – or at least what you think she looks like after 5 or 22 drinks)

Top five fat chick movies:
5. Super Size Me (more of a training film)
4. Hairspray
3. What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?
2. Shallow Hal
1. Heathers (Martha Dumptruck)

Memory Smakk
Just watched 50 First Dates. I actually saw this movie before when I was on a date at The Movie Tavern. I really don't remember it because I was a little lop sop dou (wasted). Ironic, maybe. Smakk like, definitely. Back to the bottle...
Top five movies about memory loss (excluding any of my own weekends):
5. Paycheck
4. Total Recall
3. 50 First Dates
2. Regarding Henry
1. Memento
I'm sure there are others that I probably forgot. Ohhh, I just crack myself up.

Day Off Smakk
Nothing like taking off a Monday to recover from the weekend. Problem is right around midday watching repeats of Dawson's Creek and Matlock don't seem as fun. Also not real motivated to actually leave the house or even the couch for that matter. Thank god my keyboard will stretch that far. So what can we do to make the day a little more interesting but not exactly exert any energy. Hmmmm.....that 1.75 liter bottle of brown liquid looks interesting. Well I think we can all see where this is going and I'll have to give you an update a litte later.
Also, need to give some props to The Fat Guy at http://fatfellow.blogspot.com/. He's apparently been talking to some of my friends in the community. No, he hasn't. Yes, he has. No, he hasn't. Stop arguing with me. With who? Nevermind...
Top five movies with multiple presonalities:
5. Raising Cain
4. Me, Myself & Irene
3. Primal Fear
2. Psycho
1. Fight Club