Don't Call the Cops Smakk...Yet
I freakin' hate dealing with the inane bullshit around us everyday. Here a sample of what I experienced today:
1. White trash power tripping mechanics
2. White collar stiff shirt don't know shit execs
3. Drug induced gut wrenching past life skank
4. Dr.E's blog
5. Employees talking down to the real customers
5. Sobriety
6. Watching Friends twice cause of cable boycott
So to deal with anyone from now on that gives me attitude for no reason, I'm going to threaten to kill.
"That's going to cost a little more than I quoted."
"Really. Well I say you fix it for free or I'm going to end your life right now."
yes - that's my new attitude. But knowing that threats don't mean much without substance, I probably gotta go ahead and whack someone so they know that I'm serious. So be careful in your morning commute tomorrow and try not to cut off the guy in the Service Vehicle Loaner....
Top five assassination films:
5. In The Line of Fire
4. JFK
3. The Man Who Knew Too Much
2. The Manchurian Canidate
1. Day of the Jackal

Really, bring it on tomorrow...really...I'll be waiting...really...

My Wedding Toast Smakk
When I was just a child in school, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be rich? Will I be pretty? Here's what she said to me.
Que Sera Sera
What ever will be, will be
That tramp looks very skanky
Que Sera Sera

Top 5 chick flicks:
5. Steel Magnolias
4. Titantic
3. Bridget Jones Diary
2. Notting Hill
1. Breakfast at Tiffany's

I feel pretty, oh so pretty...

Noodling Smakk
I need no cable long as I got PBS. That's right - tonight I watched Okie Noodling. This is the lost sport of getting down in a creek bed, wiggling your fingers in a hole underwater, and grabbing a big catfish barehanded. I'm not talking a nice 8 or 10 lb cat to filet up for some din din, no these suckers are up to 70 pounds. Is it an insane sport targeting the backwoods white trash folks of the middle south? Hell yeah. I'm mean this weak targeted documentary tried to make these folks look like they just made Ned Beatty squel like a pig - but these guys are driving around the lake in new Bayliners just looking to snatch a little fish. Boy you should really smell my fingers!! I am so facinated by this sport - I've decided to try Skank Noodling. Wiggle my fingers out there with maybe a $2 bill or a "genuine" diamond, then once she bites - rip her up by the mouth and drag her to the grill. (Okay, the anger management is coming.) Now what I truly found offensive abut this whole sport is that is is illegal in all but four states. Yes, 46 states have decided fishing barehanded should be outlawed even though night scooping a deer while soaked in urine drenched fatigues is fine. For some reason I'm getting des ja vue but I'm too lazy to read my old posts. So let's repeat - fishing barehanded bad, fishing with bait scented hooks that rip their freakin lips off with a good tug is good. Anywya, I'm about to go shove my fist up a tuna (No, the skank's not here):
Top five fishing movies:
5. Running Scared (there's at least a 10 second fishing scene)
4. Jaws
3. Old Man in the Sea
2. On Golden Pond
1. A River Runs Through It

First he swims, then he jumps. Then he swims and then he jumps. Then I shove my fist down his throat...

Clear Pee Smakk
I just don't get it. First it's yellow then it's clear. Yellow then clear. Yellow then clear. Once it was reddish brown which was very scary, but now it's clear. Once yellow, now clear. I smello no yello, it's clear like beer. But beer is actually yellow - now that's really freakin' me out.
Top five flicks of color (but only one from each):
5. Yellow Submarine
4. The Green Mile
3. The Hunt for Red October
2. The Color Purple
1. The Big Blue
To pee or not to pee, that is clearly the question...

Black Sash Smakk
As you know, my boycott of cable tv has left me to watch the regular network stuff. So, I checked out three new shows this evening as follows. First there was Oliver Bean. Basically it's a complete ripoff of the Wonder Years trying to be edgy. I think the guy doing the voiceover might even be the same. Very weak overall. Next there's the modern day Dragnet. This one was actually okay, but it's just another formula cop show with a whodunit that can be figured out in an hour. Lastly, there was the jewel of my evening - Black Sash. This was a masterpiece. It was like Saved by the Bell meets Karate Baywatch. From what I could follow, it's about a former cop that was framed for herion trafficking while undercover in Hong Kong who has returned to his roots (Chicago, Boston, LA, Grapevine - they never said) to teach martial arts to troubled teens while bounty hunting bad guys. That's good stuff. It usually takes me a while to find a series I can watch that I'm sure will be cancelled within 6-7 episodes. Oh I remember the greats like American Ambassey, Girl Fight, My So Called Life and the greatest series of all time - Cop Rock. Black Sash will replace them all. So tonight in honor of Black Slash:
The top five martial arts filcks with Dragon in the name:
5. My Big Fat Skank Wedding (trust me - the bitch was a dragon)
4. Pete's Dragon (well if you hit the herb first it seems like kung fu)
3. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
2. Enter the Dragon
1. The Last Dragon

Shoo 'Nuff or in the great words of Frito - "I'd apostrophize that!"