Smakk Talk

2010-08-25T15:02:00.002-05:00

SMT Smakk
My new form of entertainment is SMT - Social Media Torture. Basically, it taking information that you get on buddies from their social media sites like Facebook, and then use that ammo to torment them. My latest victim has been Thunda (also known as Little Timmy), who just loves to provide great snippets that can easily be transformed into a good swift kicks to his nuts. Of course, I enlist Big Wu for the game since he is not on FB and it adds to Little Timmy's confusion and unrest. Here's a few simple examples so you can learn and adapt to your own racks of pain:

- Little Timmy comments on FB to some random chickie - "Those shoes didn't look that uncomfortable. Do u need a foot rub?" I immediately forward him a picture of hands rubbing a foot and cc Big Wu asking if that is his technique.

- Little Timmy comments on FB about his girl BFF coming into town in a couple weekends. Big Wu & I immediately start planning a fake boys trip that weekend and keep asking him why he can't attend.

- Little Timmy posts on his FB status - "Grhhhh not happy...not happy at all." I immediately send him a Care Bear "Get Happy" ecard signed from chickie that he offered foot rub.

I'm pretty sure you get the drift of things. Please enjoy and happy tormenting!

2010-08-23T15:31:00.002-05:00

Babes Smakk

Yes, it has been about 3 months since my last post but due to the massive public outcry (or someone mentioning that I should start up again because they need another site to surf instead of working), I had decided it's time to start Smakking again. Soooo....

On Friday evening, the Bunny, Smakkette & I decided to have a nice little couples family dinner with Wu Tan Clan at Babe's Chicken in Carrollton. I already knew it would be a memorable evening when I discovered that Lil Wu was off with Grandma Lightskin, so Wu & L are baby free for the evening. So the Bunny & I arrive at 6:00pm with Smakkette in my arms to the 3 top shelf marg beaming glow of Wu and the only slightly dimmer L. As we dive into the mounds of chicken and tasty sides, the fun really begins when the assortment of other patrons decide they have to visit our table.

The Bunny & I have been pretty blessed to have such a pretty, happy baby in Smakkette that loves to wear her giant flowers and bows, and smile at all the strangers as they pass by. And it's always so nice to have one of those strangers stop and admire her, tell how beautiful she is and want to touch her little hands or face. Welllll...not so much when the he looks like the crypt keeper from Tales From the Crypt. At least Smakkette kept smiling and laughing at Nostradamus when he slithered up to her to say hello, as Wu & I looked for sharp objects to keep the zombie from eating our brains.

Next came Mr WJW - Wheelchair Joke Writer. This rolling ball of laughter had to wheel up to our table for a good 10 full minutes of telling jokes that "he had written". He also strategically parked his chair right behind my seat so I'm sure he could execute a pit maneuver on me in case I tried to escape. Luckily (as he told us himself), he only shared the clean ones for tonight. If Smakkette would have been in closer reach to me, I would have pinched her legs just to get some screams to drive this Christopher Reeve clown out of our area.

All in all, the food was good, the beer was cheap (it's byob) and the company was good. Though I did make more than my normal number of visits to the porcelain throne on Saturday....

2010-06-02T11:34:00.003-05:00

Shit Smakk
First off, I want to warn all that this post is not for the faint of heart or if you are about to eat lunch. Yesterday morning may have been the worst start to my day since waking up in a sea of vomit at the Wynn in Vegas.
It started off as any morning as I took my daily early trip to the porcelain throne to drop the kids off at the pool. I get through a couple articles of my Entertainment Weekly, spin the tp roll for a few squares and finish my business with the flush. And that is when literally...shit happened. As I turn back to close the lid, a brown swirl of rising water just keeps coming higher and higher to finally settle at the very top of the bowl. Imagine that cup of coffee that you accidentally fill so much that you have to carry with two hands taking baby ste ps so not to spill. It was like that replacing the fresh roast aroma with bowel movement of a dead racoon.
I will spare the details of my next half hour so not to re-induce the violent gag reflex I had working during this adventure. Let's just say it involved 2 buckets, a plunger, a toilet brush, a mop, a wire coat hanger and half a can of Glade air freshner.
Thank you to the Bunny for her support by sending me pics of Mr Hanky The Christmas Pooh. But most of all, thank you karma for creating this thrill ride through pooh land on the morning after making a run for the border and pigging out on Taco Hell for dinner. I will never look at a bean burrito the same again.

2010-04-26T10:15:00.002-05:00

Weight Smakk
I decided last week to start eating healthy again to drop a few pounds before boat season kicks in for the summer. Combined with cutting back on the weekday evening sails and keeping up my 3 mile runs every morning, I figure I can knock off some of the gut in the next 30 days. Well, this morning I discovered an even quicker way to drop some quick weight. I'm about 2 miles into my run just trodding along a path overlooking the wildflowers and the little bit of nature we have in my hood. When all of a sudden, a freaking monster raccoon pounces out of the shrubs about 2 feet in front of me. It took everything I had not to drop a 2lb log right in my pants as I'm imagining a Harold & Kumar reenactment and an afternoon of rabies shots. I can say the school girl standing on the corner waiting for her bus got a big kick out of my panicked leap from the path to avoid the beast. Damn critters...

2010-04-23T14:26:00.002-05:00

Claim Smakk
While making a lunch pit stop at the house today, I find an interesting letter in the mail from The Hartford Insurance Company. "Dear Mr Smakk...blah, blah...trying to reach you about your claim...blah, blah...please contact us....blah, blah." Since I don't have Hartford as my carrier and I haven't been in any fender benders or other suit worthy actions that I can recall (lately), I decide to give Jenny (the rep on letter) a call and see what's up.

Smakk - "Yes, I calling about a letter you sent me referencing a claim #..."
Jenny - "Is this Mr Smakk?"
Smakk - "Yes"
Jenny - "We've been trying to reach you about the claim regarding your accident with frieghtliner?"
Smakk - "Huh?"
Jenny - "The freightliner you were operating that was in an accident."
Smakk - "I wouldn't exactly call my boat a freightliner and I haven't been in any accident." (Yes, at this point I even realize a freightliner is a brand of semi truck, not a ship carrying freight.)
Jenny - "Boat? Are with blah blah trucking company?"

Needless to say, apparently there is another Smakk out there that is an off road truck driver. Now if he would have really been the captain of a freight bearing ship, I might have paid the claim thinking it was an accident from one of my weekend sails... Ahoy all!

2010-04-20T11:35:00.002-05:00

Wind Smakk
The biggest challenge with living in Big D has got to be dealing with the constant high winds here. Most people probably don't notice it that much unless you regularly participate in one of the following activities:
1. Boating - It always seems like a great idea for a nice little jaunt out to Lake Lewisville for some fun in the sun and time cruising around the calm lake waters. Typically though, it's a man vs wild battle with fresh water white caps spraying over the boat as the Bunny cowers under the windshield with her death grip on the seat as we try to find a calm cove to anchor up. If you're out for wake boarding or skiing, usually the only calm areas to get some good action are so over jammed packed with every other skier avoiding the wind area that the wake is just as bad plus the bonus of dodging other drunk captains on their boats & jet skis. Our lake time will be greatly limited due to fear of launching Smakkette into the stratosphere if we brave to venture out with her.
2. Golf - If you are a regular golfer in Dallas, you should automatically get a 10 stroke break in your handicap for dealing with 30-40 mph regular gusts that seem to kick up right about the time you address your drive from the tee box. And I'm not sure how it works out that you are hitting against the wind on every damn hole. It gets so bad that your ball is moving on the green before you putt. At least you get to combine your round with dodge ball when crap starts falling off all the trees and landscape.
3. Running - My least favorite activity that I still do almost 5 times a week is running. But it's even so much more loathsome when you add the Dallas wind to the fun. I'm out there in the morning looking like I'm doing the running man dance because of how slow I'm going. Now that the Bunny is running with Smakkette, I'm just waiting for a gust to turn the stroller into some kinda of giant kite. Maybe we can work it for some press time like balloon boy.

2010-04-16T10:26:00.003-05:00

Return Smakk

After a 90 day sabbatical due to the birth of Smakkette, Smakk has decided it's time for a return to the blogiverse. I'm sure many of you expect me to ramble on the greatness and joys of my recent fatherhood especially knowing that I do have the cutest spawn ever, I have instead decided to return to my roots to speak of another issue of deep personal importance to me - The Captain.

Though I have greatly reduced my time on the stormy seas and confined my sails to mostly the weekends now, I did have a great crisis last weekend that caused my ship to run aground. Last Sunday evening, (yes, Sunday evening is still part of the weekend despite the ongoing argument over this with the Bunny) I had the thrill of opening a fresh new handle of Captain that I had wisely purchased the previous day to stick it to those bible thumping arcane blue laws. I poured a nice little half & half Captain & diet to kick start the evening and take that glorious first sip.

That's when the end of the world came crashing down. After 20 years of carefully refining my palette to that sweet, sweet elixir....I knew something was totally amiss. This did not taste like my Captain & diet. There was a definite new flavor of vanilla and/or almonds mixing in there. I even convinced the Bunny to take a swig and confirm my suspicions. She too tasted the abnormality. That's when the panic set in and questions bombarded my head:

Had they changed the Captain formula?
Was the liquor store selling a knock off in Captain packaging?
Do I contact the Captain's headquarters informing of a product tampering incident?
Was my liver conspiring with my taste buds in some desperate attempt of survival?

So I forced down my drink, threw out the ice and made a fresh pour in my cup hoping for a miracle. No such miracle came and the vanilla almond taste was still in tact. Disgusted with the whole situation, I poured out the remainder of the drink and went straight to bed at 9pm in an awful state of sobriety.

So last night (yes, Thursday is also considered the "pre-weekend" thus can qualify), I decided I would give it one more shot. With very little hope, I clinked in my ice, poured in the "Captain" & topped off the cup with diet. One tentative sip and bingo...all tasted normal and the world was right again.

So after great thought of into "The Mystery of the Corrupted Sunday Sail" (soon to be released in paperback), I discovered one factor I had not taken into consideration that night. Even when I made the second pour and changed out the ice, I still used the same cup. In thinking back more, that vanilla almond flavor also tasted a little like soap residue. Dishwasher 1 - Smakk 0. I plan to overload that bitch tonight with no pre-wash help from the sink...

2010-01-29T14:40:00.002-06:00

Hot Smakk
I decide to meet some of the Crew up at the Silverback Lodge (aka Chammps) in the LC for a little lunch. Just as I take a seat at the bar, an appetizer plate of buffalo tenders arrive. With uncharacteristic graciousness, Loops & Wu immediately offer me to partake in a bite. After my first nibble, I comment calmly, "Wow, these things are warm." The boys then began to chuckle out loud as a realize I have just joined their periodic liquid heat food challenge as my throat and tongue began to burn.
So the challenge is on as we each get two tenders to finish as Elrod sits in the background in pain and agony just watching us. Loops downs two unassisted. I down my two with the help of ranch dressing and 8 cups of water. Wu makes it through 1 and 1/2 before his call of defeat to the waitress, "Bring me a glass of milk."
So in this episode of Food vs Crew, the Crew takes a 2-1 victory. Enjoy your weekend all...I'll be spending it blowing out fire on the porcelain throne....

2010-01-25T16:27:00.002-06:00

Return Smakk
After a month on being on the wagon while waiting for the arrival of Smakkette, I slowly return to my weekend sails with the Captain. All seemed pretty normal and I felt I was back to my old self. Well this Sunday morning, I discovered that was not quite the case after the way I felt following the Saturday evening shrimp boil at Big Wu's house. Even with an early exit of 10pm from the party, a couple rounds of three-man and kings & queens was enough to have me considering a toilet hug the next morning. With the Bunny & my liver opposed to me building back up to championship drinking status, I fear I have two options: 1. to not throw down so hard on the weekends or 2. to be ready for some painful mornings. Guess it's time to hit Sam's Club for the Tylenol and Tums then....

2010-01-14T15:52:00.002-06:00

Idol Smakk
Last night, the Bunny & I have again joined the mindless flock of the nation to watch American Idol. And just when I was sure I could not get sucked back in and the show was over and would not waste one more minute watching it, I get..."Pants on the ground, pants on the ground...lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground." The Captain salutes you "General" Platt.

2010-01-06T15:59:00.002-06:00

Learned Smakk
New items I have learned as a father of one week:
1. There is a lot of blood during a c section
2. Babies look like white wrinkly lizards for the first 3 seconds of being born
3. Hold your newborn daughter tightly to avoid tossing her across the room when she scares you with a blast from her behind
4. Motor boating is no longer the main use for wife's boobs
5. Babies sense fear
6. Your children can be born with the ability to give the "what a dumb fuck" look
7. Your house is smaller than you think
8. You can never have enough wipes
9. Swaddling
10. Sleep is for the weak

2010-01-05T12:17:00.002-06:00

Smakkette Smakk
The rumors are not true and I have not passed away or been in rehab. The reason I have been absent is because Smakkette finally arrived on 12/29 to join the Bunny & I. She is absolutely perfect and we are one very happy little family. In true form of joining the Smakk clan, she was even able to already start getting after me from day 1 just by being born. Coming out of the Bunny at a whopping 8lbs & 1 oz, here is how the comments came from almost every nurse at the hospital:

Nurse - Looking from Smakkette to Bunny, "Wow. I can't believe she was that big coming out of your tiny body."
Nurse - Then glancing over at me, "Ohhhhhhhh...I see. You're the father."

Smakkette 1 - Smakk 0. But we still got 18 years, 18 years.....

2009-12-17T15:30:00.003-06:00

Addiction Smakk
After the Y2K bug and drugs for ADD & OCD, the biggest scam of the past 20 years is that there is such a thing as addiction. Even after my own 20 year cruise as his first mate, I had no problem going cold turkey with my sails with the Captain 13 days ago. Do I miss him - yes. Am I having cold sweats or anything - no. And what exactly is the point of rehab? It's just a fucking hotel without room service for booze. Just go in your own freakin house and don't drink.
And the biggest addiction joke is nicotine. I see preggos all the time that have no problem kicking the smokes but right after the birth, back to "I just need a cigarette." Jesus christ - if you lasted 9 months without it, you weren't addicted bitch. You're just a lazy ass slacker looking for an extra reason to take breaks from work or you have no fuckin social skills to carry on a conversation with a guy so you give him a hint on your strong oral complex to constantly have a pole in your mouth.
Anyway - for all you weak ass jack offs that have an "addiction", just own up that you have no will power or backbone and shut the fuck up. Now no one bother me the rest of the day. I need to log back onto my Full Tilt account....

2009-12-16T15:35:00.002-06:00

Night Out Smakk
In a new ground breaking event last night, we had a couples night out dinner with kiddos in tow. So Lil Wu & Mikey D made it out to represent for the Crew of 2030 which provided the great opportunity for us to throw out new racial slurs specifically targeted at infants. Yes, we have those also.
Other than that, the night was pretty much the same except I was the only non-preggo one without a beer. Not that I'm bitter about it....being the only one not drinking...while everyone else was drinking...beer...cold, cold, refreshing beer...without me...no beer for me...mmm ice tea....not Long Island Tea....not Texas Tea...just tea...and not beer...foamy draft beer...more flavor, less filling....beer...

2009-12-07T11:39:00.003-06:00

Hobby Smakk
With the couple week countdown until the expected arrival of Smakkette, I am officially on the wagon starting yesterday. This was a decision that we (and by "we" I do mean the Bunny) made in case she goes into early labor or just so I can enjoy her final two weeks of pychosis...errr...preganacy in complete sobriety. Obviously there are other small reasons like having a functional liver, remembering the last few hours of the evening or other blah, blah, blah.

So now that my main and favorite hobby of the last 20 years is gone, what to do to replace it? So far these are some of the suggestions:
- Hit the gym
- Read a book
- Remote control boat racing in my pool
- Teach Carrot to be normal dog or just torment him to heart attack
- Petition government to sell off Guam
- Build mobiles out of road kill
- Write a self help book about the pains of marriage & childbirth
- Perfect the "If I don't move, she can't see me" process
- Practice new covert bat wing clearing maneuvers
- Convert vehicles to run on alternate fuel of remaining Captain Morgan

Oh well...I guess I could always start a blog...

2009-12-04T10:42:00.002-06:00

Reference Smakk
Even after 15 years of working in the recruiting business, I still get amused that you never know what to expect when you deal with people. I've got many stories about all the crazy situations people put themselves in while at work (which I will be publishing some day soon), but I had a nice like nugget last night while making a reference call on an Executive VP looking for work.

Smakk - "Good morning Miss. I understand you used to work with VP X."
Miss - "Yes. He was my boss for about 90 days."
Smakk - "Oh, I see. Well what can you share with me about your experiences with him?"
Miss - "What do you want to know?"
Smakk - "Well can you tell what you thought about him as your supervisor?"
Miss - "Sure. I thought he was about as useful as tits on a board."
Smakk - "Great. That's all I need to know. Thanks."

I will definitely be stealing that phrase in the future....

2009-11-30T16:51:00.002-06:00

Countdown Smakk
Less than 25 days left to the expected arrival of Smakkette and already we have a major change in Club 6850. For the first time in probably 20 years, my house bar with all the liquor bottles has been relocated out of the viewing area and placed behind closed doors in the pantry. It's like I lost a part of my family. Even when Big Wu visited the house this Saturday, the very first words out of his mouth were "Where the fuck is the booze?"
Ohhh the sacrifices I am making for my spawn....bright pink room, weird baby contraptions everywhere, car seat holder already in both cars. And the pets are definitely walking around more nervous than ever....

2009-11-17T11:01:00.002-06:00

Class Smakk
Last night, the Bunny had me accompany her to a 3 hour class about breast feeding. Yes, I said 3 hours. Yes, I said breast feeding. Though I could go on and on about all the jokes I held back from making during this session, it was actually the other attendees that made the night the most amusing. For reasons unknown to me, the Bunny signed us up for the class that was apparently also designated for the hearing impaired since they made up over half the participants and there was a sign language interpreter. The benefits from that is that I can now sign the words "breast", "feed" and "delivery". I can see this coming in handy if I ever need to deliver a baby from a deaf woman or order a pizza at a topless club.

But my favorite moment of the night came at the start of the soft porn...errr...breast feeding training video. Right after she turns it on, the class instructor turns to the entire crowd and asks, "Is the sound up too loud?" So this just made me have a small chuckle but then I completely lost it when I saw the other lady interpret the message in sign language for them. I guess at least they couldn't hear me laughing...

2009-11-11T14:09:00.002-06:00

Text Smakk
The text message of the week was provided by Buster earlier today - "Never get caught in the pet store when a bus of retards come in." That's funny stuff sir...

2009-11-04T17:07:00.002-06:00

Rare Smakk
On a very rare occasion, the Bunny is actually able to get a good dig in on me. Today she had that moment with the following text, "OMG! You're older than Big Bird!! He turns 40 this week." This message has been brought to you by the number 2...for how many times I'm going to kick her in the ass when I get home.

2009-11-03T08:17:00.002-06:00

Class Smakk
Last night was the first of 3 classes I'm being dragged to...err...attending with the Bunny on the birthing of Smakkette. So it was basically all pretty common stuff but I did take home a few valuable nuggets:

Babies are born from a sewed up turtle neck sweater
The class was really a commercial for stem cell research and upgrading your delivery room to a suite (they may have got me on the suite)
Wet panties mean something completely different these days
A full grown person could be born through 10 centimeters dilated when you show it on an enlarged slide presentation
I am not allowed to be drunk during the delivery (what the hell?)

Next week I get to learn about this mystery item called a car seat and the final class is three hours on breast feeding At least I might volunteer for demonstrations on that last class...

2009-10-30T16:36:00.002-05:00

Time Bomb Smakk
Only 54 more days until the expected arrival of Smakkette. The Bunny's belly is getting bigger and bigger, and her waist size has now exceded mine. Smakkette is kicking around in her like crazy which gives the Bunny endless entertainment by just watching her own stomach. So how do I feel about this ticking time bomb about to arrive? Excited, scared, anxious, nervous...and everything else. I do get sad thoughts at the loss of my best friend, the Captain, who will not be able to sail with me every night. I also think my vision has started to become impaired by the constant sight of pink everywhere. All in all three of us are very excited...me, the Bunny & my liver.

2009-10-21T09:57:00.001-05:00

Appropriate Smakk
I always try my best to have just the perfect appropriate response back to a person's comment. Just take this morning for example while the Bunny was talking about her 7 month preggo belly:
Bunny - "I feel a little off balance today. Guess it's just my stomach throwing me off."
Smakk - "Don't worry. I'm sure your hips and butt will get big enough to equal it all out soon."
See....what could have been a more appropriate response? Now I just need to hide all the knives and other sharp objects before I go to bed this evening.

2009-10-20T14:57:00.002-05:00

Turkey Trot Smakk
Just like many other cities around the country, Big D hosts a fun run Thanksgiving morning which draws big crowds of runners, joggers and walkers. The Bunny & I have been regular participants almost every year since she put me in the cage. So this year, the Bunny has decided to continue to participate even though she will be 8 months pregnant at race time. Of course she will be walking instead of running the race this year with little Smakkette bouncing along in her belly. Since there's always coverage of the race on the local news, I'm thinking this would be the prefect opportunity for us to get a little exposure on the tube. Now all I need is a pilgrim outfit for myself and the Bunny will be in the perfect shape to don a turkey costume with her built in butterball. So be sure to set your DVR's and look for us...

2009-10-16T14:17:00.003-05:00

Decision Smakk

I have made 3 decisions today:

1. Next time I wear my black shoes to work, I will make sure that my socks are not actually dark blue like today.
2. It is not acceptable for my Afro-American friends to call me "Cracker", but they can call me "Cracka".
3. Texas will beat OU tomorrow...even if I'm not sober enough to remember it.

Hook 'Em!!!

2009-10-13T10:02:00.001-05:00

Rain Smakk
I have discovered my new talent - I can make it rain every time I drive to a different city. Just in the past month, no matter where I drove, it's solid thunderstorms the entire drive. Austin, Shreveport, Tulsa , Houston....torrential downpours the whole time. So if you're having a drought in your hometown, just stick me in a rental car, put your address in the TomTom and let the floodgates open. At least it gives me a little road game that I like to call "Guess the number of flipped 18 wheelers & cars stuck in median."

2009-10-05T16:12:00.003-05:00

Take Out Smakk
So the other day, I picked up sushi for the Bunny & I to eat at the house from one of our favorite spots off Preston Rd called CRolls. Everything is clicking along fine until right after I pay the bill and the waitress asks, "How many set-ups will you be needing?" So basically we have ordered so much food, she cannot tell how many people are sharing in on this meal. So with a completely straight and honest face I replied, "Three." Well, the Bunny is eating for two even though I'm not sure how Smakkette will hold the chopsticks right now...

2009-10-01T12:16:00.002-05:00

Bike Smakk

Sometimes I think the Bunny's blonde hair may be contagious. Last Saturday, I decide to do dome random errands around the house. One of those was to mount some hooks in the garage to hang our bikes. So I first head out to home depot and buy a stud finder. This purchase immediately requires me to post a Facebook status update, "I just bought a stud finder at Home Depot. The problem is that it keeps beeping every time I touch it." (drum roll please) So I get home, find the studs and screw in my big hooks. When I try to mount up the bikes, the damn handle bars keep getting the way. After 15 minutes of fighting with them, I finally force the bikes on the hooks so they will stay in place. After taking a shower cause I'm now pouring in sweat from the battle, the Bunny comes home and I explain how hard it was to get the bikes hung on the hooks. Here's how that went:

Bunny - "Didn't you just hang them by the wheels."

Smakk - "They wont work that way because the hook is not as long as the handle bars."

Bunny - "Huh?"

Smakk - "The handle bars are longer than the hooks, so it pushes too far from the wall."

Bunny- "I don't get what you mean. We had no problem when I was a kid and my dad hung them in the garage."

Smakk - "Well come look at it. It won't work that way."

So we go into the garage and :

Smakk - "See. The hooks only come of the wall this far so the handle bars are longer. I finally wedged the bikes up there on their center bar."

Bunny - "You put the hooks into the wall sideways? Why didn't you put the hooks in the ceiling so the bikes hang from their tires?"

Smakk - "Fuck."

So now we have two bikes that look like they are some type of modern art display just magically stuck to the side of the wall. The Bunny can't stop laughing every time we pull the cars out now....

2009-09-25T14:57:00.003-05:00

Mail Smakk
Even though most people enjoy getting mail, I dread it. Usually it's just more bills or stupid magazines that I will never catch up on reading. Well the mail we got today may have reached an all time low. I open up the box and there's a small surprise package inside. Of all the things I expected to read on the package label I can say I did not expect to read off - "Udder Covers". For those of you that are not familiar with this term, also known as Hooter Hiders, this is some sort of blanket thingy to hide the Bunny's ta-tas while breast feeding Smakkette. Maybe I can also use it to stop the bleeding from my self inflicted gun shot wound...

2009-09-23T16:17:00.003-05:00

Dead Smakk
I feel my blog is dying a slow death as I post fewer and fewer times. Have I just gotten lazy or is it something else? Maybe I have just lost all creative inspiration from the tremendous weight this year of turning 40 and being in the same profession for 15 years? Or could it be the 2 year anniversary of the Bunny locking my cage door? Or has the anticipation of Smakkette coming made this all just seem trivial? No, I think the real blog killer has been Facebook. It's just way too easy to post a little 1 or 2 line ditty on FB as compared to the full blown commitment of a paragraph or two here on the blog. Maybe I'll write a song about that, "Facebook killed the bloggggg smakk. Facebook killed the blogggggg smakk." I'll get on that right after I update my Facebook status...

2009-09-14T10:34:00.002-05:00

Number Smakk
1 - number of shirts I brought to golf on Saturday
9 - number of holes played in pouring rain on Saturday
0 - number of shirts I wore home on drive home from golf
2 - number of Bunny birthday dinners driven to during rain this weekend
1 - number of birthday dinners that actually occurred after I dropped off Bunny at restaurant front door, parked the car, ran through pouring rain and she goes "It's too loud & cold here. Let's just eat at home."
100 - exact number of days left until Smakkette is due to arrive from today
100 - approximate number of pink & brown polka dots I put up in nursery this week
100 - probable rise in my blood pressure over next 100 days

2009-09-09T10:53:00.002-05:00

Candy Smakk
So over the past couple of days, I have had one of the best and one of the worst experiences with candy. While in Austin over Labor Day weekend, the Bunny and I went to this candy shop off South Congress that had all the old school brands of sweets. I was able to pick up my favorite candy of all time - the Mallow Cup. Basically, it's just like a Reese's Cup but instead of peanut butter, it has a coconut marshmallow filling. This was the best experience.
As for the Bunny's choice, this is where the worst experience comes into play - the Extreme Sour Warhead. I am shocked we did not get in a wreck because I could barely keep my eyes open while driving after putting this freakin' candy in my mouth. The Bunny was laughing so hard at me I thought Smakkette was going to pop out of her right there in the car. Jesus Christ....can't we do something more enjoyable next time like squeezing a couple limes in our eyes???

2009-09-04T07:10:00.001-05:00

Quote Smakk
Best quote I have heard in a while - "I ran out of diet so I'm mixing Captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off." via www.textsfromlastnight.com
Another benefit from the joy of fatherhood I have to look forward to...

2009-09-03T16:22:00.003-05:00

Food Smakk
I am sure that the number 1 topic of conversation between the Bunny & I is food. No matter what the subject starts as, it will always end in food. We have trip to Austin this weekend for the UT Football home opener and the only thing we have discussed is what are all the restaurants that we are going to eat at while there. Almost every day without fail, I get a text asking what I had for lunch. 2 hours later followed by a text asking what are we going to do for dinner. Just today, I got a text about her facebook post about her 1st and 2nd breakfast. I'm pretty sure this will continue until the second Smakkette is born and then every conversation will be about her...or about her and what she is eating...
And for those that subscribe to the Bunny's blog, you'll like today's topic - Fried Food at the Fair. Shocker.....

2009-09-01T16:30:00.002-05:00

Random Smakk
Been hard to find the time to post on here lately with all the demands of work, daily Home Depot trips, Facebook & Farmville, having to give input on giant checklist for baby, sailing with the Captain, etc, etc. So I thought I would just list some of the random items I've had to deal with over the past couple of days in work & life:

- Made 4th trip to Home Depot to buy another piece to fix same broken sprinkler head in yard. Total price of all parts - $3.80. Total cost of gas spent - $20.00.

- Had employee call in sick for past two days due to a back injury sustained on Sunday while she was pole dancing on back of boat at Party Cove.

- Spent 3 hours registering for Smakkette at Baby's R Us. Replied to every question from Bunny with same answer, "I have no idea what that is."

- Listened as employee girls screamed on phone from top of their desks because a mouse got in the office this morning. The sole guy in group spent the next 3 hours trying to catch it by throwing box over it. Mouse 1 - Employees 0

- Watched possibly the worst movie ever made "Miss March". Synopsis - Boy meets girl. Day they finally decide to have sex he falls down stairs inducing 4 year coma to wake up only to find girlfriend is now current Playboy Miss March. Awful buddy road trip madness with lots of explosive diarrhea visual jokes ensue.

- Watched the Bunny's tummy grow, and grow, and grow. Keep having nightmare dreams about Alien cause she grabs my hand and puts on stomach in middle of night.

- Planted carrots in Farmville. Had Carrot keep me up all night cause he's a psychotic dog. Ask self why bought Bunny so many carrots on her ring while paying bills.

Oh well....just random things like I said. About time for post work cocktail. More randomness to follow I'm sure.....

2009-08-24T12:17:00.003-05:00

Farmville Smakk
Like many of you, I too have become addicted to the Facebook game, Farmville. For those still unaware of this phenom, it's basically a rip off of the old Sim City game but you are on a farm where you grow & harvest crops and animals. The difference is that your crops will wither and die if you do not harvest them in time, and different crops require different amounts of time. So now I have to relate all activities to the growth cycle of my harvests. 2hr movie = Super Berries. Morning out at the lake = Strawberries. Work day at the office = Pumpkins. 2 Day Drunken Bender = Pineapples. And I do so like pineapples....

2009-08-18T17:06:00.003-05:00

Reminder Smakk
Things I now think about when I walk past the nursery that we just painted this weekend:
World's Best Hot Dogs
The album "The Wall"
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Frozen Yogurt in So Cal
Conjunctivitis
My small finger
Alecia Beth Moore
Victoria's Secret

2009-08-12T17:37:00.002-05:00

Baby Smakk
Items completed:
- Impregnate wife
- Get baby doctor
- Find out sex of baby
- Crib purchased & put together
- Child birth classes scheduled
- Case of Captain purchased to settle nightly nerves
Items still pending:
- Decide on a name
- Paint and decorate nursery
- Register for shower
- Secure day care
- Start UT college fund (if another school chosen, change to Smakk's new boat fund)
- Get gun permit and arm self to teeth
- Train carrot to attack all boys/men on command (especially spawn of Crew)

I'm sure I've left out one or two things....

2009-08-10T14:24:00.002-05:00

Name Smakk
Last Wednesday we found out that as I predicted, we will be having a little girl coming our way around Christmas. The Bunny was thrilled to have at the news until she realized that now I will only be making trips to Burberry & Tiffany's for daddy's little girl. The Crew was of course thrilled just to have more ammunition against me. I was thrilled because I will now be getting that gun permit I always wanted.
So now comes the task of giving our little lady a name. The Bunny already had her list narrowed down and we have gotten very close to a couple choices. Though we had one selection that she really liked until I ruined it when I pointed out how cool it would be that her initials would be ARG. I mean just think of all the great pirate references I could have made all with her. Oh well...some people see no fun at the expense of their first born.

2009-08-04T16:26:00.002-05:00

Outdoor Smakk
I have become obsessed with watching TV out on my back porch late at night. Since installing a flat screen out there a few week ago, I just can't get enough of it. Fill up a nice Captain & Diet, light up the tiki torches, hit the remote and just watch any random show while my new lizard buddies crawls around the walls checking me out. I think this could actually make me better embrace getting to know the outside & nature...I just need a little technology incorporated in. I'm even considering camping this year. Just need to go out and buy a generator to power the video projector and hot tub we will need to bring along...

2009-08-03T16:58:00.003-05:00

Sex Smakk
Before you get too excited, I'm not talking about doing the nasty here but more about a particular time I did that about 5 months ago. This Wednesday afternoon, the Bunny & I will hopefully discover the sex of Little Smakk who will be right at the rip age of 20 weeks old. Though I can't really think of what would be better than having my own little version of myself running around, I am making my prediction right now that karma will be coming down on me hard and a Little Smakkette will be arriving as our Christmas gift. Whether it's a clam or frank and beans we see at the sono on Wednesday, we of course will be happy either way. And if it is a girl, The Crew will have ammunition for the rest of my life...

2009-07-30T16:34:00.004-05:00

Toilet Smakk
We have one of those old cushioned toilet seats in one of the guest bathrooms that had a small tear in it, so I decided I would stop by Home Depot on the way home to pick up a replacement. Why can't they make anything simple? First off, I did not know that there are 2 different sized toilet seats - round & oblong. So I call the Bunny and have her take a pic of the current seat to see if I can narrow it down from that. I was happy that at least she didn't drop a deuce in for the pic for me. Of course that didn't really help and I had a return visit and exchange at the Depot. So once we had established that oblong was the model of choice, then you still have about 50 different styles to choose from that all look almost identical. Are you kidding me? There are 50 types of toilet seats but only 4 different brands of Captain Morgan. Surprisingly the install was only about 30 seconds of work so it didn't leak over into my sailing time. Now I just need to decide what my reading material will be for the TU (Turd Up) christening...

2009-07-28T16:48:00.002-05:00

Belt Smakk
Many people can show their attitude through the outfits and accessories they choose to wear especially when going out to a bar or such. For example - if you're reading this post while wearing an Ed Hardy Shirt, then most likely you're a douchebag.
For me during my pre-Bunny years, the item was definitely the Striped Shirt. (For those non-long term Smakk subcribers, please read the article in this link for reference -Striped Shirt Guy .)
With my cage door mostly locked by the Bunny over the past couple of years, on the occassion that I do venture out in the nightlife, I just no longer feel the striped shirt can really still give people that correct impression. So the stripes have hit the back of the closet and I have found an accessory for any outfit that can still proclaim that "Yeah, I'm that guy." stature. And the new item is - The White Belt. Simple, elegant yet has cocky smartass written all over it. So The White Belt Coalition has officially launched. I'll see you out there in them soon...

2009-07-23T15:51:00.003-05:00

Baby Smakk
Well I guess there must be something in the water...babies seem to be everywhere. Early this week, The Crew welcomed it's newest member when Baby Wu arrived. The little fellow was a carbon copy of Big Wu thus doubling the Pacific Islander population for Lewisville. Congrats Wu & L!!!
Also as many of you already know, The Bunny & I have a Baby Smakk on the way due for arrival around this Christmas. The world wide ramifications of this news is not yet known but we expect either world peace or armageddon must be coming down the pipe. So with my first official purchase for Little Smakk, I bought the DVD below. Hook 'em!

2009-07-17T10:07:00.000-05:00

Alarm Smakk

I'm soundly passed out in the comfort of my king sized bed at the Austin Sheraton still trying to sleep off the yummy Torchy's Tacos from the previous night when I hear the annoying buzzing of the alarm. I glance at the clock and it's only 5am, and the alarm buzz is muffled and quiet. As my haze fades some, I realize that the alarm noise is actually coming through the wall from the adjoining room. So I patiently wait thinking some one will smack it quiet any minute. No such luck. With my alarm not set to wake me until 6:50am, I keep fading in and out of sleep to wake up every few minutes to the constant muffled buzzing. By now it's 6:15am, the alarm is still going strong through my wall and I realize the room next door must be empty. So I get up and call the front desk to have someone come shut it off so I can have at least my last half hour of sleep in peace and quiet. A few seconds later, the phone in that room rings and to my surprise, I hear someone answer. Then clear as crystal through the wall I hear a voice say, " What time is it? FUCK!" Lol...well I guess some people can't handle Austin fun while out of town on business. Hook 'em!

2009-07-13T17:29:00.002-05:00

Pee Smakk
Two of my favorite activities are going to the movies and drinking. Luckily I can easily accomplish this with a handy dandy flask of Captain snuck in the Bunny's purse. This actually makes the $5 for a medium Diet Coke not seem as much of a rip off. Of course the only problem with flasking up during the film is having to take a piss break during the movie. Though I contemplated wearing Depends to solve this problem, there is now an even better solution - www.runpee.com. This great site tells you the best time to go "run to pee" during movies currently out in the theaters. I may just have to get the Iphone now just for this handy app...

2009-07-08T11:18:00.001-05:00

Vocabulary Smakk
I been meaning to share this new vocabulary term that I heard a couple months ago and just remembered about it. Breastaurant - a restaurant featuring well endowed female waitress showing their goods one step short of a strip club. Please feel free to embrace this term and use as often as possible. And here is a quick ranking of the breastaurants I have visited based on complete environment and dining experience:

Top 5:
1. Bonedaddy’s – Grapvine, TX
2. Twin Peaks – Lewisville, TX
3. Hooter’s – Ft Lauderdale (Waterscape), FL
4. Mad Dogs – San Antonio (Riverwalk), TX
5. Bonedaddy’s – North Austin, TX

Worst 5:
1. Redneck Heaven – Lewisville, TX
2. Cutie Pies – Grapevine, TX
3. Hooter’s – Dallas (West End), TX
4. Bikini’s Bar – Austin, TX
5. Twin Peaks – Richardson, TX

2009-07-02T15:43:00.004-05:00

4th Smakk
The best thing about this 4th of July is that it falls on a Saturday thus giving most of us tomorrow off for that elusive yet glorious 4 day weekend. The Bunny & I still have are plans a little up in the air but I know at least these things will be included in the fun & sun this long weekend:

Golf with Crew
Sailing with the Captain
Pool time with Bunny, Bro & his clan
Grilling steaks, shrimp, burgers, brats and other assorted tasties
Lake time on the boat
Fireworks, fireworks, fireworks
And of course, more Sailing with the Captain

Have a great 4th of July all!!! I plan on getting patriotic and pickled....

2009-07-01T16:47:00.002-05:00

Recipe Smakk
While thinking about ideas for dinner, I was going through a book the Bunny has created of clipped out and copied recipes that she has enjoyed or has been wanting to try out. One extremely complex one that she had saved from a Zatarain's Seasoning package was very interesting. Please feel free to print off this recipe for yourself if your dare to attempt such a meal undertaking. So here it is:

BOILED SHRIMP
2 quarts of water
2 tablespoons of salt (optional)
2 lbs of shrimp
2 teaspoons of Zatarain's Seasoning
Bring water to boil. Stir in shrimp and seasoning. Cook until shrimp pink. Remove.

Wow. I just can't imagine where these people come up with these crazy ideas. And I'm so thankful the Bunny took the time to save this recipe. Maybe for breakfast tomorrow, I can search her book and find one for toast...

2009-06-29T12:59:00.002-05:00

Golf Smakk
The Crew and I usually make it out to the golf course at least once every weekend. The most difficult decision is always trying to figure out which course to play. We decide based on location, last time played, available tee times, coupon specials, etc. Well that has now all become much easier with this page I found on Avid Golfer. So for any of you guys out there that also struggle with which course to pick, please feel free to use this link to help you out as well - Best Way to Pick A Golf Course. Tee it up...

2009-06-26T11:50:00.003-05:00

Icon Smakk

As you all know, three of America's iconic figures have died over the past few days - Michael Jackson as the King of Pop, Farrah Fawcett as the 70's sex symbol poster girl, and Ed McMahon as the ultimate sidekick and the modern day pioneer of reality talent shows. (There wouldn't be an American Idol or Britney Spears without Star Search.) They each had their own personal demons and well media documented trials and tribulations over the last few years, but I'm willing to look past those things and show respect in their passings. Though I can't make church this Sunday since I'll be trying to beat the 100+ degree heat on the golf course, I will pay my respects to each while out on the fairways. I'll wear one white glove in honor of MJ, laugh at Elrod & Loop's bad jokes and remarks in honor of Ed, and imagine the cart girl in a tight red bathing suit and feathered blonde hair. Oh I really hope that they don't have a porker slinging the beers out there....

2009-06-24T15:27:00.003-05:00

Name Smakk
Last night while at one of our fav dinner spots in Addy, Flying Fish, the Bunny & I were discussing baby names with Big Wu and 7 month preggo L. During this convo, I came up with the perfect name if there is ever a Smakk Jr. And the name is....Sparta. You can just see him having this conversation with a new little friend:
"Hi. My name is Timmy."
"Hello Timmy. I AM SPARTA!!!"
There has not been inspired name choosing greatness like this for over four years. Isn't that right Carrot...

2009-06-23T10:07:00.001-05:00

Small Town Smakk
It's just amazing to me how small town business is so different to larger cities. I'm down in Shreveport today, which I never really considered a "small town", since there are 200,000 people living here. (On a side note - the population is 54% female in case any of you need that advantage LRod.) So one of my employees takes me on a sales call to a new client.On the way there I ask about how he got this new business. He explains that the main contact is a young man that we helped find a previous job for after his mother contacted us who was a high school friend of my employee. While on the call, they reminisce on mom winning the beauty pageant 20 years ago, talk about the sister's new job in Tulsa, the sister's husband successful bout with cancer a few years ago, etc, etc. I was fully expecting to hear about whatever the pets had been doing lately but the conversation was cut short (after an hour) when another vendor of the client came for an appointment. Of course, my employee also knew this guy from the other vendor, so we got another half hour in updates about the construction going on by his house, the new truck he recently got, etc, etc.
With 2 more sakes calls on my schedule later today, I fully expect to be flipping through yearbooks and watching slide shows before my day ends here.

2009-06-18T10:16:00.002-05:00

Internet Smakk
Maybe having internet access on commercial airline flights is not the best thing after all. This is a report online just posted at 10:56am from ABC Channel 7 in New York.

Pilot dies on commercial flight to Newark
Thursday, June 18, 2009 10:56 AM
NEWARK (WABC) -- The captain on a Continental Airlines flight died as the plane headed from Belgium to Newark Airport.
Authorities say the death occurred as Flight 61 traveled from Brussels to Newark Thursday morning.
There are two first officers on the aircraft, and they are flying the plane.
The flight crew declared an emergency, and the plane will get special treatment from the Newark Airport tower upon arrival.
The Boeing 777 is expected to arrive at Newark Airport at noon.
Medical workers will take custody of the captain's body upon arrival.
The cause of the captain's death will be determined by a medical examiner

Did they really post this while the plane is still in the air with the dead pilot?? I would loved to have heard that on board announcement. I'm sure it began as, "Attention all. This is your First Officer speaking because the Pilot is now dead. Now that I have every one's undivided attention..."

2009-06-15T11:14:00.002-05:00

Boat Smakk
The Bunny & I finally took the boat out yesterday for the first time this summer. And in a surprise move, we also brought Carrot for his first boat trip ever. The little mongrel did well and just pretty much acted like it was just another ride in the car. We cruised around for a coupe hours, soaked in the sun and just had a nice relaxing start to our day...right up until it was time to leave.
So as usual, I go get the 4Runner and back the trailer down the ramp while the Bunny sits at the gas pump dock in the boat. I then get back in the boat and drive it over to the trailer. So I get it all lined up perfect, drive the boat up on the trailer and jump off to winch it in the last couple of feet. So with still about a foot and a half short, the boat won't winch up any closer. So I'm thinking maybe the trailer is just a little dry and what's the big deal if it sitting 18" back on the trailer a little. So we pull out of the water and drive over to my cover dry dock like business as usual.
Once I get the trailer backed into the spot, I proceed to pop the trailer of the hitch at the exact same moment the Bunny hops on the back of the boat to get out the cooler. Well it seems that floppy ear's little 107 lb frame was just enough weight because the trailer starts to see saw up in the air. I dive on the trailer neck as the Bunny screams from the ski platform and jumps back down. I'm frantically yelling for her to come to the front of the trailer to help me hold it down and prevent the engine from crashing into the concrete. I get enough leverage to hold the trailer down as the Bunny backs the 4Runner back up so I can hook it back to the hitch. We get it all back on and then drive back down to the boat ramp while the whole time I'm sweating like a whore in church just waiting to the whole thing to come flying off the hitch. I lower the boat and trailer back deeper in the water and get it winched back all the way up the trailer. We figure out the problem was one of my trailer beams had come off the bracket because the wood in the beam has rotted so the first time I was trying to winch the boat while it was scraping on the metal trailer bracket.
Goodbye nice relaxing Sunday...hello increased dosage of blood pressure medicine. At least the afternoon beers and Captain went off with no adventure....

2009-06-11T07:52:00.002-05:00

Apology Smakk
I need to start off this stormy Thursday morning with an apology:
Dear panicked lady sitting in your little red Kia -
I'm am very sorry for the giant wave I sent careening over your entire car this morning as you sat stalled out in rushing waters up to your door just south of Spring Valley Road on Midway. By your frantic arm waving, I feel you must have good swimming skills so I have no concerns that you will be fine as the water creeps higher and higher up your raft...err...car. I believe that creek bed beneath you will taking you flowing down through Framer's Branch and Las Colinas so that will be nice sight seeing for you. Anyway, good luck dealing with your automobile insurance on your totaled electric system and flooded engine. But most importantly...have a great day.
Smakk

2009-06-10T16:15:00.003-05:00

Classy Smakk
While driving down Midway Rd this afternoon headed to my office in Addison, I pulled up right behind a guy that just emulated the word "classy". Even through the browning back window of his over sized camper on his rusting 1980 Datsun truck, I was clearly able to see his mullet flowing proudly over the shoulders of his sleeveless shirt. Of course, there was an over sized rebel flag bumper sticker proudly displayed for all to see. But the piece de resistance of his vintage KKK recruiting mobile was this classy bumper sticker - "Barack, go back to your village". Freedom of speech...it even applies for Nascar fans...

2009-06-08T17:18:00.002-05:00

Hangover Smakk
The funniest movie hands down that has come to the big screen since Superbad, The Hangover is pure greatness. You will be cracking up this entire film but the last 5 minutes of still pics during the ending credits will have you tears. We saw it on Saturday night at the Movie Studio Grill in Colleyville for Yott's B-day. Theater was good but if you pay in cash for drinks and grub, don't expect the waitstaff to return with any change. They disappear faster than strippers when the lights turn on at 2am. So if you haven't seen it yet, get to your neighborhood box office and check it out.

2009-06-05T14:40:00.002-05:00

Support Smakk
Ahhhh...there's nothing quite like the support from friends and family when you really need it. So last Tuesday, the day after Memorial day, I decided it was time to start trimming down some of this fat Smakk ass gut I've been developing. I just haven't been able to get consistency back into my running or workout routine so it came down to the other option - diet. Now I've never been a fan of any of these bullshit fad diets that come around every year, so basically I decided to limit myself to only 1500 calories max per day of food intake. (Note - I said food intake. No comments on the calories in the Capt are necessary.) I figure I've been averaging about 2500+ a day before that. So I go Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday at only about 1200 calories a day and what do you know when I weigh in on Saturday morning? I've already dropped 7lbs. So I tell the Bunny this great news and in her ever supportive cheer she responds with, "I have a buy one, get one free enchilada plate at Dos Rios tonight. Can we go?" Well they were good enchiladas....
So now this week, I pick right back up on Sunday with plan. All week long I've been keeping still around 1200 calories per day. Even Big Wu seems impressed and jumps on the bandwagon with his own calorie plan. So this morning I hit the scales again and I'm down about 11 lbs in total over the almost 2 week period. So the first email I see when I get into work this morning from the Wu-ster himself, "Hey. Let's all go have dinner tonight at Babe's tonight before the movie." Really Babe's? Famous for their great fried chicken, chicken fried steak and down home (aka lots of butter) country sides all served homestyle. Mutha fucka... I'm sure we'll have to stop at Marble Slab on the way home tonight too.

2009-06-01T10:55:00.003-05:00

Carrot Smakk
So I started off the morning with a nice little walk with Carrot to get the juices flowing. Once we get a bout 1/2 mile from house, I hear a "clink". I look down and see Carrot's chain collar lying on the ground and his leash is just draped over his back not connected to anything. For those unaware of the neurotic Carrot, we really not one to be trusted off the leash evident by the countless nights spent combing the neighborhood when he escapes during parties at Club 6850. So with surprising luck, I gently squat down and put my hands around him and he doesn't even try to bolt away. Now what? He has no collar and just tying the leash around his neck seems a little cruel. Knowing I can't trust him to follow me home especially with no ID tags on him any longer, it comes down to the final choice. Yep, I scoop up the neurotic 4o pound mongrel and carry him back home in my arms like some kind of gigantic Chihuahua. I'm sure the neighbors were amused...

2009-05-31T15:04:00.004-05:00

Hot Smakk
Mother of pearl - the summer has come into town with a vengeance. Hot, hot, hot baby. Had a 5+ hour golf round yesterday with Loops, Los & LRod aka Thunda at Bear Creek. Well the Thunda wasn't roaring and I was able to score my 2nd victory in a row on the fairways. The Thunda still thinks I was getting help from the brown bunny that kept following us around from Hole 11. No, I'm not referring to the brunette cart girl, but an actual little cotton tailed critter that decided to join Smakk's gallery for the victorious round. Little guy finally lost interest around Hole 16 when he found another bunny to start banging right there in front of the tee box. He unfortunately didn't get much time after Los's shank almost plugged his ass with a Pinnacle.

Not sure if even playing in the 90 degree heat was the smartest idea since I've been battling a head cold since Tuesday. What's the saying? Starve a fever, feed a cold, drown a cat, kick a bunny, etc, etc. Oh well - I'm just gonna try a drink my way to healthiness later tonight with a nice little Sunday sail. Time to go back out and hit the pool. My body has just yet begun to scorch...

2009-05-28T10:21:00.001-05:00

Proverb Smakk
A man who recieves mail every single day is not a man well loved, but a man well in debt - Smakk 05.28.09

2009-05-27T15:49:00.002-05:00

Memorial Smakk
Memorial Day weekend started off strong with our crew of 25 getting the VIP treatment at the House of Blues for my 40th B-Day. The Bunny did a great job with the video pic montage, balloons, "over the hill" signs and the M&M party favors with my face on them. Thanks Bunny!!
We used Saturday for a recovery day and went to see "Angels & Demons". I enjoyed the movie except for the grunts of disgust from my floppy eared companion every time the movie deviated at all from the book.
On Sunday, some of the crew joined us at Byron Nelson to drink, walk the course and make fun of the hootchies in the pavilion tent. Love the 6" fuck me pumps girls. Great shoes for the golf course.
Took another recovery day on Monday and just hung out at the Club 6850 pool. Wu & L stopped by later in the afternoon for a small dinner of ribs, chic kabobs & watermelon.
Even the long weekends seem to be calmer and calmer for Smakk these days. Is it turning 40? Is it the influence of the Bunny? Is it Carrot's neurosis rubbing off? Is it the impending explosion of my liver? Well I can't say for sure but at least the Captain keeps hanging around for the ride...

2009-05-22T10:07:00.003-05:00

80's Smakk
In celebration of my turn over the hill, The Crew will all be gathering tonight at the House of Blues to celebrate the music of my teenage years. The classic 80's live bands performing include A Flock Of Seagulls, When in Rome, Dramarama, & Gene Loves Jezebel. Hopefully I'll have just enough drink to time warp back to the days of cruising around in my bitching camaro with my double flipped Polo collars, OP shorts, and black & white checkered vans on my feet. Ahhh...back to the days before "Omigod" became just "OMG".
Well I gotta motor you spaz. Tonight should be a wicked time totally to the max. And if it's not awesomely bodacious, then just gag me with a spoon dude....

2009-05-21T08:41:00.002-05:00

Email Smakk
Quick email exchange between Big Wu & I this morning:
Big Wu - Does the day after turning 40 feel any different?
Smakk - Kinda like the day after marriage. "Can't believe that just happened..."

2009-05-20T09:50:00.002-05:00

Old Smakk
Well despite the odds makers around the world have been saying, Smakk actually made it to his 40th Birthday today still alive and breathing. Wow...40 years old. And it's 10am and so far these are the common references I have received via text, email or twitter:
Grey Hair - 6
AARP - 4
Sagging Balls - 3
Prostate Exam - 2
Dinosaur - 1
It's gonna be a long day....

2009-05-13T17:09:00.003-05:00

Manny Smakk
As any of you that follow sports know, last Thursday Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for testing positive for human chorionic gonadotropin, a women's fertility drug that boosts testosterone levels. Though I find it a little ridiculous that the steroid that busts him is used for women's fertility, I find it even more ridiculous that while reading the detailed article about the situation in SI from my porcelain throne today, I have this thought, "Didn't I draft him on my fantasy baseball team?" Yep, I've been playing a suspended player in my starting lineup for the last week. Too busy or too drunk - just make your own opinion...

2009-05-11T16:22:00.002-05:00

Florida Smakk
The Bunny & I spent the weekend at Ft Walton Beach, Fl for her little sister's wedding. Weather was perfect, we had good times with her family and there was lots of beer flowing at all times. I also got the chance to have some new experiences for me as follows:
- Drove a 4 wheeler for the first time through the woods at her dad's country property
- Then drove a tractor for the first time at her dad's country property (sorry we were not able to capture that sight on film or you tube)
- Drank Bud Light while operating any vehicle on her dad's country property
- Got a good idea of what the Crew will look like when were drunk together in 20 years
- Discovered that PGA Channel on XM radio put the Bunny right to sleep on long 10 hour drives across the damn country to see her family
And finally....
- Learned about "The Parrot". Apparently this is the favorite maneuver of one of the Bunny's dad' s crew member. Basically, once one of your crew passes out from drinking, this guy goes over and places his Johnson on your shoulder and they take a picture of the "parrot" on your shoulder.

2009-05-05T14:28:00.002-05:00

Oprah Smakk
Oprah is trying to give the whole world a free meal. And she chose to do this in conjunction with KFC. There are so many inappropriate jokes that come to mind from this situation that I will just let you come up with your own. Anyway, print your coupon now and have at it. It's finger lickin' good...

http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090430-tows-kfc-coupon-download

2009-04-29T08:23:00.002-05:00

Song Smakk
My top five songs right now:
5. The Fear - Lily Allen
4. Beautiful Girls - Five Times August
3. Chelsea Dagger - The Fratellis
2. Ain't No Rest for the Wicked - Cage the Elephant
1. I Love College - Asher Roth (This song is greatness. A new classic.)
Update your Ipods bitches.

2009-04-28T15:05:00.004-05:00

Learned Smakk
Things I learned today:
You can purchase women's running shorts at Academy for $16.
The Bunny has a problem saying the phrase, "Did you take the last napkin?"
Twitter can start to get annoying with text updates.
Buster watches "The Hills" to learn his pick-up lines from Brody Jenner.
Some Sprint employees have body odor problems.
Too many people are panicking about the swine flu.
I do not like 3 mile jogs in the morning.

Things I didn't not learn today:
If I won the lottery on Saturday and I'm sitting in my office when I could be on the beach.
How many licks it truly takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Why Megan Fox is not following me on Twitter.
Why is it called chili.
What I would do for a Klondike bar.

2009-04-27T14:44:00.007-05:00

Question Smakk
Finally the greatest single question facing mankind was answered last night on Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior - who would win between a Spartan Solidier and a Ninja? Spartans all the way and suck it Big Wu.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me knock out a couple other ones for you:
What is the meaning of life? The answer - love. And since I love me some Captain, the meaning of life is Captain. Who would of thunk it...
Is there a God? Yes and he's very disappointed in my answer above.

And I'm not sure what question this picture answers, but I like it very much.

2009-04-21T09:38:00.003-05:00

Top Smakk
After discussing with the Bunny that I did have a current #1 fantasy girl on my list, I sent out a text poll to the Crew on who was their current top pick. The results were somewhat surprising:
Most Top Votes - Jessica Biel
Top Pick I Most Agree With - Megan Fox
Top Pick I Most Do Not Agree With - Kelly Clarkson
Most Disturbing Top Pick - Michelle Obama
Funniest Top Pick - Buster's Ex-wife
Best reply quote - "Jessica Biel...She could do me in the ass."

Anyway, here's my updated top 10:
10. Mila Kunis
9. Britney Spears
8. Isla Fisher
7. Elisha Cuthbert
6. Kate Beckinsale
5. Amanda Bynes
4. Scarlet Johansson
3. Marissa Miller
2. Megan Fox
1. Hayden Panettiere (Yes, she is legal now.)

2009-04-17T15:36:00.003-05:00

Sushi Smakk
While I finally had the freshest sushi ever and who would have believed it came from a bar in Lewisville called Redneck Heaven. We had a whole crew up there for Sosa's B-day right in the middle of biker's night. So in celebration I bought a round of minnow shots for Sosa, Wu & I. In case you haven't figured it out, this shot actually comes with a live minnow. So the three of us each grabbed our little treat by the tail and dropped it down the hatch with a red headed slut chaser shot. mmmm mmmm
Though upon later review of the event care of the video shot by the Bunny, we find that one of the participants actually palmed his minnow in his hand and casually tossed it under the table - COWARD! So not to embarrass the large Guamanian fellow, I won't tell his name hear but it rhymes with Fig Lu. Once again...COWARD! Now please excuse me, I need to shat Nemo...

2009-04-16T10:46:00.002-05:00

Twitter Smakk
I have to say I'm impressed with the fight between Ashton Kucher and CNN for the first that can reach 1M followers on Twitter. It has so inspired me to issue my own challenge in the twitter-verse that starting today, I hear by issue this challenge for the first to reach 100 followers - CaptSmakk vs Somalia Pirates!! Even though the pirates do not yet have a Twitter account, I feel it is only a matter of time with their growing popularity. So the gauntlet has been thrown (sorry about the cup of Captain that was still in it) you third world buccaneers, bring it on!

And the Bunny did get the "Sin Smakk" response correct from last Friday with answers #9, #7, #4,# 2 and #1. Haiku reward will follow in tomorrow's post after the sailing begins...

2009-04-13T15:17:00.002-05:00

Costume Smakk
Wish it was closer to Halloween - I've got a great costume idea. First I need 3 of my "darker" friends to dress in cut off clothes and hold AK47's. Then I just need to put on my Captain's hat and perfecto - Captain Smakk & the Somali Pirates. Hmmmm....that's also not a bad name for a band....

2009-04-10T10:19:00.003-05:00

Sin Smakk
With Easter coming up this Sunday, I felt this would be a good time for me to ask for forgiveness for some of my past sins. To make it a little more entertaining, I have listed 10 of my more amusing transgressions below for which 5 are true and 5 are not. Please feel free to make your guess on the true ones in the comments below. A winner will be awarded an original Smakk haiku in a future post. Here we go:
10. Poured a Captain during church service from my pocket flask
9. Broke up with a girlfriend while she was in my shower
8. Gave friend's 6 year old a tray of jello shots to keep him quiet during party
7. Stole life size "Al the Butcher" from grocery store by walking him out between me & friend
6. Let out Bunny's cat "Tommy" on purpose so it's annoying ass would run away for good
5. Launched a real pig's head with water balloon launcher into crowd of Aggies at football game
4. Tossed a dyed green baby chicken through a bar window in Mexico before crossing border
3. Mass emailed naked pics of ex-wife to her entire AOL address book
2. Took homeless man from Austin to South Padre during spring break & left him there
1. Stole a tombstone from a graveyard for apartment decoration

2009-04-08T21:35:00.002-05:00

Nightmare Smakk
We all have bad dreams like going to school naked, getting lost in strange place, being chased by someone, getting married, etc, etc. But sometimes we have those nightmares that cause us to bolt up in bed pouring in sweat and fear. Those bad dreams involving a loved one dying, plummeting from the sky towards our own death, any scene from the Final Destination movies...you know what I'm talking about. Just the other night, I woke in a shear panic at 4am. So what was it that can give Smakk nightmares? It brings a cold shiver through my spine just to think about it again. My nightmare was about installing light fixtures. Yes, reliving my own home improvements are the demons of my soul. No telling what will happen if I ever decide to re-tile the kitchen floors on my own...

2009-04-07T16:51:00.000-05:00

Wichita Smakk
I spent the weekend in Wichita, KS with the Bunny and her family. Here are the top 5 most memorable moments to weekend:
5. 5 hour drive of silence home after I paid for $70 breakfast
4. Bunny asking if I owned red checkered shirt after watching "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers" dinner theater
3. Getting $1 Pabst Blue Ribbon draft deal only to find beer glass barely larger than shot
2. Snow flurries and 40mph Arctic winds in April. Wtf?
1. Having blitzed mother-in-law ask about sex life while trying to put pink Lee press on nail on my big toe

I foresee therapy in my near future...

2009-04-01T12:55:00.002-05:00

Good Day Smakk

Good Day for Smakk yesterday - Golf tourney on the company's dime with free dinner at the Southlake Hilton followed by drinks at Sherlocks
Good Day for Buny yesterday - Dinner with girls at Luna de Noche before Britney & Pussy Cat Dolls concert
Good Day for Carrot yesterday - Licked balls before napping. Woke up and licked balls again

2009-03-27T14:07:00.002-05:00

Run Smakk
Off and on (more off than on lately), I will get up and jog around 3 miles in the morning to get a little exercise and burn off some of the previous night's Captain. I do not like to run with the Bunny since she is literally almost twice as fast as me. So this morning to have a little company, I decided to bring along Carrot with me. Along I go at my normal jogging pace only to discover that at that pace it's just a brisk walk for the damn dog. Yep...he doesn't even break into any stride but is just speed walking beside me. I swear the little ass was smiling the whole way as well...

2009-03-26T15:41:00.002-05:00

TV Smakk
These are my favorite top 10 scripted TV shows on right now:
10. Chuck
9. Life on Mars
8. Fringe
7. Dollhouse
6. Greek
5. The Unit
4. Kings
3. How I Met Your Mother
2. Big Bang Theory
1. Entourage

My top 10 "reality" TV shows:
10. Kitchen Nightmares
9. Diners. DriveIns, & Dives
8. Throwdown with Bobby Flay
7. The Haney Project
6. Bromance (now over)
5. Dinner Impossible
4. Chopped (Food Network)
3. American Idol
2. Top Chef
1. Hell's Kitchen

My top 10 shows while sailing hard with the Captain:
10. Speeders
9. Attack of the Show
8. Degrassi
7. Simpsons
6. King of the Hill
5. Cheaters
4. Knight Rider
3. The Graham Norton Show
2. South Park
1. The Drinky Crow Show

2009-03-25T12:49:00.002-05:00

Congress Smakk
During my drive to Austin yesterday, I spent most of the trip listening to CNN on XM Radio. Most of the program was Congress questioning Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner & Federal Reseve Chairman Ben Bernanke about the AIG bailout. In 2 hours of listening to this crap, I learned 2 main things - 1. Tim & Ben actually seem to know what they are doing and I feel they will actually help fix our economy. 2. 99% of these elected officials in Congress that were asking the questions are complete fucking morons. After listening to these idiots, our economy seems a lot less of a problem as compared to who's running the damn country.
And note to CNN - can you stop using the tag line "Law makers are calling for action!" Who the fuck are they calling? They are the law makers. Don't they make the "action"?
Jesus...I'm listening to something more intelligent on the way back tonight. What channel is Blue Collar Comedy?

2009-03-23T16:25:00.002-05:00

Phone Smakk
So another one of Smakk's phones met it's tragic death on Friday night at the hands of a spilt Captain in my lap while texting from my chair. Unfortunately, this is not my first phone to die an early tragic death at my hands. Now that the Bunny is referring to me as a cell phone serial killer, I figured I would share a few (but not all) of my more memorable killings:

- Dropping my phone into a full beer while at a tent party in downtown Houston during superbowl weekend
- Snapping my flip phone in half during a drunken rage. Can't remember what I was even pissed about...big surprise.
- Killing Buster's phone by giving him a ice bucket of cold water wake up call while he's still lying in bed in hotel room
- Taking a sharp turn in the car with the phone sitting on dashboard only to watch it slide all the away across and right out the open passenger side window onto the North Dallas Tollway

And then the one where the Bunny herself was an accomplice...

- Having my phone get kicked off the sink counter while the Bunny are having "relations" in the bathroom. Don't ask the position...I don't want my new Treo to get nervous.

2009-03-20T10:36:00.000-05:00

School Smakk

Going to work this week while all the kids are out for spring break has me reminiscing about my days at ole Rockwall High School. So here are 10 of my random high school memories:

10. Writing in white shoe polish on everything

9. Stabbing dissected frog into ceiling above biology teacher's head

8. Having Calculus teacher start calling me BA for "Bad Attitude" after I turn my desk around to face away from him

7. Having to get 2nd fake ID because getting too old on first

6. Having the homies at Dolphin Rd carwash by liquor store in Dallas say "Whad up Rockwall?" to me from my frequent visits

5. Getting "pops" in lieu of detention during whole senior year class skipping scam

4. Flavor of the day Boones Farm at lunch

3. Having sheriff deputy call me out of class for threatening someone with same Boones Farm bottle

2. Getting called into office when to champagne flutes with my last name are found on school roof

1. DrE dropping his biology final on floor and being too drunk to pick up after our lunch tequila shots at my girlfriend's house

Hmmm...actually many things have not changed since then.

2009-03-16T16:35:00.004-05:00

St Patty's Smakk

Another St Patty's Day has passed and for the first time in the past 2 years, no one from the Crew or house party went to jail. Even with the crappy weather, the crowds still came out to Greenville Ave and we were able to knock through all 700 jello shots (see pic) before noon. The post-parade house party went off as usual with beer pong, kings and general drunkenness. I do have to give myself the award for the most entertaining moment of the day when I gave the dancing drunk shirtless stranger with the insecticide sprayer full of kamikazes a great big atomic wedgie from his boxers hanging out. I'm pretty sure I was able to get blood flowing from him on that one.

2009-03-13T13:33:00.005-05:00

Carrotless Smakk
(in tune to
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWzlD7Lc6w8
)

In the night I hear him drink,
He’ll take a sail and turn so cold
An idea to roast with coals

He’ll have to fold
Or live a life that’s Carrotless...
How could you live so Carrotless... oh
How could you live so Carrotless?

How could live so,

Free of dog hair on your clothes yo

Don’t have to worry about chewin on front door yo
Miss the random acts of being psycho
I mean after all the things that we been through
I mean after all the the bunnies we got to you
And yo I know I chase squirrels up in trees
And yo I did once try to hide your keys
And now you think you can roast me
Think you’ll make dog meat
And you walk around here like you own me
Well you should listen
I got the funny
Cuz in the end I got the bunny

In the night I hear him drink,

He’ll take a sail and turn so cold
An idea to roast with coals

He'll have to fold

Or live a life that's Carrotless...

How could you live so Carrotless....oh

How could you live so Carrotless?

2009-03-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

BBQ Smakk
In another attempt to save on spending, I have come up with a great plan to feed my guests at our upcoming St Patty's Day party - Korean BBQ. After a morning of green jello shots and loads of beer, we will all return from the Greenville Ave Parade back to Club 6850 to enjoy a well cooked brisket of this foreign treat in honor of Big Wu's cousins in the Far East. And I'm sure that I speak for all when I say, " We will miss you Carrot. "

2009-03-10T16:14:00.002-05:00

Cutting Back Smakk
Since --- recession -- hurting -------- so ----, I ---- decided ---- I ---- do -- part -- contributing -- efforts -- cut ---- on ------- things. Since - am --- willing -- give -- on --- essentials ---- I ---- have ---- Captain -- boating -- golf ---, I ---- decided ---- I ---- give -- every ----- word -- this ---- today -- my --- contribution. That -- all.

2009-03-06T15:22:00.002-06:00

Hmmm Smakk
Not everyday I see a lady in blue jean overalls walking through the drive thru window at Wendy's to place her order. I'm not even sure where to go with this. Oh well...it's Friday anyway. Later....

2009-03-05T09:56:00.002-06:00

Kart Smakk
My new addiction now that I have stopped sailing with the Captain on weekday evenings is playing Mario Kart on the Wii. It's not just the game itself that is so addictive, but the ability to play online with your friends or just randoms around the world. So far - Buster, Big Wu and WhiteGurl are online with me, and Yott & LRod are only days away I'm sure.
But what I have found is the greatest feature about Mario Kart is the experience when you are done playing. First, you need to spend a couple of hours totally immersed in racing on Kart with your eyes glued to the screen. As soon as you turn off the game, immediately jump in your real car and take a drive through the streets of your on hood. You will be completely amazed at your new NASCAR like abilities as you fly through the streets, swerving and dodging everything in your path. All of a sudden, jumping up on the sidewalk or using the a bridge guardrail as a ramp actually seems like a viable option to pass anyone in front of you. Now I just need a good supply of bananas and turtle shells to start throwing out my window...

2009-03-03T10:52:00.001-06:00

Square Root Smakk
It never ceases to amaze me and how peolpe have the need to label every stupid thing they can imagine. Literally within 10 seconds of each other, I hear the following statement on CNN radio and get the exact text from the Bunny - "Happy Square Root Day." Yes today is 03/03/09 which equals a square root equation. Fascinating. And I just love to hear some radio idiot blah, blah about how rare this is and it won't happen again until 2016. Well you know what? Tomorrow is 03/04/09 and it's so unique that we will never have another 03/04/09 again. seriously...check your future calendars and see if you can find one. Just facsinating....

2009-02-26T15:57:00.003-06:00

Ouch Smakk
If anyone hears any blood curdling screams in the HEB area of the 817, that will most likely be LRod. I would never openly talk about any one's health problems but here's just a little hint...

2009-02-25T16:42:00.004-06:00

Lent Smakk
Although I am not Catholic, I have decided to make my 40 day sacrifice and give up something for Lent this year. I wish I could take credit for this but I actually heard it on the radio while driving in this morning. So for this year's Lent, I will give up on my New Year's Resolution. So it looks like I can start adding more ice back in my Captain...

2009-02-24T09:39:00.001-06:00

Dark Ages Smakk
The Dark Ages usually refer to a couple different periods of time for most of us. One is the historical period between the fall of the Roman Empire and the Renaissance. This is the time period that is often representative of role playing games or fantasy films with it’s collections of knights, wizards, dwarfs, etc. Another definition for the dark ages could be a more personal time in someone life when you were engaged in activities that you are now embarrassed or ashamed to be associated. Of course for myself, these two definitions collide into one. Let me explain…after watching the film “Role Models”with the scenes about the geeks that play in dark ages role model battles, this conversation breaks out with the Bunny:

Bunny – “That was funny but what was with all the stupid fake sword fighting stuff?”
Smakk – “People really do that. They get all dressed and go out in the woods with foam swords and bow n arrows and have those battles.”
Bunny – “What??! People do not do that for real.”
Smakk - “Yeah, I even did that stuff when I was like 12. Dress up, sword and shield…everything.”
Bunny – ****crickets****

Of course it only took a few days for this information to leak out to the Crew so here’s a sampling of some of the texts I received yesterday from Big Wu & LRod:

Who’s you #1 knight? Sir Lancelot or Robin Hood Men in Tights
Did you find Excalibur?
Okay Arthur, if you want we can take you to Medieval Times to stroll down memory lane.
You ever slay any dragons in those woods?
Where’s the Holy Grail?
Knight of the Round Table – find Excalibur.
Gallum called and wants his ring back.

Why do I feel that now we will all be visiting the Renaissance festival this year…

2009-02-23T15:25:00.002-06:00

Mudbug Smakk
There are few things more enjoyable than sitting down in front of a giant bowl of boiled crawfish with a nice big draft beer. The Bunny & L helped me suck down a few pounds of this good stuff last night at Pappadeaux while Big Wu skipped the mess to work on his fried seafood platter. (On a side note - it was very amusing when the waitress brought out Wu's meal on 2 seperate plates to make it look like the panda doubled up on his dinner order.) There is something just animalistically wonderful about ripping off the heads of those mini lobsters and tearing into the juicy tails of sweet meat. And it's not often I can even talk about juicy tails of sweet meat without getting in trouble by the Bunny...

2009-02-20T09:25:00.002-06:00

Day Off Smakk
Really just here to point out that I am not working today but will be out on the golf course hitting some balls and taking some hits from my flask of captain. So please enjoy reading this from under the lovely fluorescent lights while you sit behind the keyboard and monitor in your 6' x 6' cube as the minutes slowly tick by your work day. Happy Friday slaves....

2009-02-19T10:12:00.003-06:00

Recession Food Smakk
With Big Wu & L having a "Recession Party" this weekend, I'm struggling with the best idea of finger food to bring in order to keep with the theme. Here are a few ideas that I'm considering:

Government cheese and vienna sausage plate
Ramen square mini-cakes sprinkled with shrimp, beef and chicken seasoning
Stolen samples from Sam's Club demos
Oatmeal cookies cut into fours with powder sugar
Tortilla pizza with free ketchup & hot sauce packets as the sauce
Raw egg shooters
Peanuts since we are working for peanuts (That was the Bunny's)
Fried Mac & Cheese balls with left over Papa John's garlic butter as dipping sauce
PB&J squares on day old bread

Or screw it. Maybe we can just all meet at Cici's before the party...

2009-02-18T16:53:00.003-06:00

Pic Smakk
The last 10 pictures I took on my Palm Treo:
1. Mario Cart game in progress
2. Taco Pie dinner I made for first time last night
3. BWW take out menu in case Taco Pie sucked
4. Me standing between a statue of a sombrero'd fellow and his donkey
5. Guy dancing with shark at Bourbon Street Blue in New Orleans
6. Hayden Panetteire on cover of Short Hair (Bunny just got similar chop)
7. Pic of me doing interview for Channel 4 about gas prices from last summer
8. 2009 SI Swimsuit issue cover
9. Pimped out golf cart with chrome rims & stitch leather seats
10. Monte Carlo offer for free rooms, pit passes and hospitality tent at 3/1 Nascar race in Vegas

Not sure what this all means above but it looks like it was a good week...

2009-02-17T14:43:00.002-06:00

Omen Smakk

Now I'm not the biggest believer in omens or signs (and thank God not in karma), but I gotta tell you that I was little nervous flying out of New Orleans last week. I'm not sure if it's just a common coincidence or that we really just remember better the real ironic tragedies in life - like the guy that dies the day after winning the lotto or Christopher Reeves being hurt and paralyzed after playing Superman. We just seem to remember these things more becuase of the irony involved in the situation.

So here's what brought this to my mind. First off, we have all had the thought of our plane coming down in a fireball of death as we get settled in our seat just before take off. But the omen of pending ironic tradegy for me was when the Captain came over the loud speaker on my flight just before we start down the runway and announces, "I would also like to say welcome to the large group of FAA Inspectors that we have on board the plane with us today." Are you fucking kidding me? I could already see the headlines on my crash - "FAA Inspectors Get First Hand View of Airplane Disaster...From Their Own Seats". Excuse me miss, I'll take a double...